


All Roads Lead Back to Her

by DeadWeight



Category: Disobedience (2017)
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-05-17 08:11:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14828625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadWeight/pseuds/DeadWeight
Summary: Esti reaches out to Ronit following a tragedy. The story deals with death of a child which may be uncomfortable for some.  I hope to convey the story with a sense of respect and not just as a means for Esti and Ronit to be together again but understand this may be considered a controversial story ark. I do not have any real knowledge of judaism so apologise for any oversights. I've tried to do a bit of homework but it by no means does justice to the complexities of this religion.





	1. Chapter 1

Ronit

It had been years. Years. I sat in a diner and forced down a mouthful of strong black coffee. I’d finished a photoshoot in the early hours of the morning and had been desperate for my bed when her message pinged into my emails. I couldn’t bear the thought of returning to an empty bed. Not now. And so instead I had found an all night diner and consoled myself in a booth with hot coffee that I drank down until it scorched my throat. I hadn’t opened the message yet. I couldn’t bear to. It had been so long and yet I still felt that day with the full weight of sorrow. When she had chased down the taxi my heart had swelled with hope. I had believed that she might come for me, that she might come with me. For a split second I had entertained thoughts of the two of us flying off to New York. What would our life be like? I wanted to imagine her presence in my apartment, to entertain the notion of her walking barefoot into the bathroom in the middle of the night. Sleepily, slipping back into bed to fit her body perfectly against mine as though it were preordained. I had understood why she’d done it, why she’d chosen that path for her child but I could still hear those screams “This has always been me!!” Echoing in my head and I knew that it was a life that would not fulfil her. 

Over the years there had been lovers. Some I’d thought might stand a chance. But it never lasted more than a few years, sometimes mere months, before it fizzled out and I lost interest. I fooled myself with excuses, I worked too much to give myself fully to a relationship, my friends were my life, I was a picky person…but all roads led back to her. And having this message in my hands confirmed just how much I had allowed her to haunt me.

‘You must come’ The email began, three words gripping my chest with a tightness that pulsed through my veins. ‘My dearest Ronit, I need to hear your voice. The unthinkable has happened. Please contact me’

I sat back in shock, gripping the red plastic arms of the chair to ground myself. I felt as though I had floated out of my body and had been transported into that living room, back into the grief of losing my father, and now with the loss of losing Esti. ‘The unthinkable has happened’ My mind raced with possibilities. Was Esti sick? Had her married unravelled? Would he take her son? I pictured Esti completely alone, discarded by a community when she was finally unable to live a lie. 

i stood outside of the diner, the fluorescent lights beamed a faux sun onto the concrete car park. I lit a cigarette, inhaled deeply and punched in the number Esti had left. The phone rang and rang. With every ring i considered ending the call and returning back to the life I had rebuilt. The phone was answered, there was background noise, a moment of silence before she said “Hello” She spoke in barely audible tones but I knew it was her and it made my heart beat like a drum in my chest.  
“Esti…” I breathed the words out, allowing myself the pleasure of saying her name out loud. It. Had. Been. So. Long.  
She didn’t say a word but I could hear her crying.  
“Esti?” I repeated with anguish. Her soft cries continued unrelentingly. I gripped the phone in my hands and tried to be with her in this moment. I closed my eyes and pictured her in front of me.   
After long, drawn out, moments she composed herself. “Ronit…I…I didn’t know whether to call…or…I didn’t know if I should call. If it was fair…”  
“Esti, it’s ok, it’s ok” I repeated.  
“I’ve wanted to for so long and I wish I hadn’t waited until now…until this”  
“Esti, what’s happened?” I whispered. I wasn’t sure I wanted to hear it.  
“Zachary…” She choked on the name of her son and I felt my heart gripped in a vice. “…he’s gone”  
“He’s gone?” I repeated the words. My mind couldn’t compute the meaning. I conjured up images of him being snatched and a door closed on Esti.   
“There was an accident…I can’t, I can’t talk about it…” She cried a deep hungry cry that was full of hurt and pain and loss. I flinched in hearing it but I wanted to be there with her regardless of how many miles separated us.  
“You don’t have to” I insisted. “Esti, I’ll get on a plane. I’ll leave now. The next available flight” I assured her.   
“Ronit…”  
“It’s OK…do you want me to come Esti? Do you…because I want to. I want to be there with you” I told her, biting back my insecurities.  
There was a long pause, the rustle of moving before she sighed deeply. “Yes” She answered.”Yes” 

Esti

I placed the phone down gently in its cradle. Hearing her voice had spun a web from here to New York. It reminded me that you could never lose someone you loved so deeply. I thought of my son and I wept again. 

I had not called Ronit following his death. I was in shock, and wrapped entirely in the comforts and the rituals of mourning. I had not called Ronit until long past the Shivah, until long past Shlosim. Not until the circle of family and friends had resisted and it was Dovid and I, in these four walls which had been so alive with sounds and smiles and happiness.

Dovid grieved as he should. He grieved as is pre-ordained and he held the strength and the belief that this was gods will.   
“Death is temporary, Esti. It is merely one stage of our journey” He had explained profoundly, with his head bowed in respect. 

“Gods will?!” I exclaimed. How could this be gods will? The mourning period following the death of a loved one is a dance orchestrated thousands of years ago, but I did not feel synchronised now. During the first few months it had offered me comfort, structure. It eased my burdened heart to feel the presence of my community bonded close in comfort. Now I felt suffocated. Now I felt as though I wanted to scream and rush around the home breaking things but I couldn’t and I hated myself a second time for locking my emotions within. For weeks I had felt emotionless. I could not cry. I could not bear to look into Dovid’s pain filled eyes.

When the phone had rung I knew instinctively that it was her. I felt it before I heard her soft tones, and how the tears had come, raining down my cheeks with the relief of a storm after humid months of dry, heat. I had not planned to contact her. We had shared meagre contact once she had returned to New York. It had been too hard. With the best intentions the kindest decision was to allow things to fizzle away. Perhaps Ronit was right all along? Perhaps it wasn’t easier to leave?

Following Zachary’s death I had, had many moments to think on things. Death has a way of bringing everything to light. It places life under a microscope. You draw on beauty, on strength and you question all the pain and the sadness. Life is short, they say. It’s shorter than you know. Now I could see that I was living my life for him. He was my strength, he was the beauty. But now he was gone the home seemed dark. The gentle, unassuming smile on Davod’s face reminded me of memories that hurt too much to contend with. It was the smile my son had shared and through him life with Dovid had grown to be ordinary. I still thought of Ronit. I still yearned for her but when I became a Mother life had felt complete. Now it was in disarray and I knew, though it filled me with a sense of selfishness, that I need Ronit more than ever before.

“Esti…” Dovid murmured, standing in the doorway. “…I hope you have thought this through” He said solemnly. “You are in pain. You are not thinking clearly”

I remained rooted to the spot in the hallway. “All I do is think” I whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

Ronit

‘Final boarding call to London’ The intercom blared out into the frenzied departure lounge. ‘Final boarding call to London’

I walked in a trance to gate 5 clutching the straps of my backpack in some kind of self-soothing ritual. I wondered how many rituals Estie had endured…lived for? It struck me that I had no idea of time frame. Was it yesterday? Was it last month? Last year? Would i arrive to a packed home filled with circles of the neighbourhood watch, or would I arrive to a solitary house? 

After the phone call I had booked the next available flight to London. Twelve hours after I’d heard her practically whimper ‘Yes’ I’d gone home and tried to catch some small fragments of sleep. I didn’t change but slipped between the sheets of my unmade bed, only to toss and turn with my thoughts alive with memories of her. I had not met Zachary. But I had seen his photo. An image Estie had sent me months after his birth. It horrified me to remember that this was the last point of contact we’d had. 

"Your boarding pass"   
"Sorry" I muttered with a self conscious shake of my head. I handed her the boarding pass and smiled but I knew the smile didn't reach my eyes. 

What could you say to someone who'd lost a child? All the trite stock phrases swirled around in my head. 'Sorry for your loss' 'Life works in mysterious ways' 'It's not the end' But it is the end. I wasn't sure I believed any longer. I could imagine all the sincere condolences from family and friends but how could the death of a child be justified? I guess I had become a non believer. 

I looked out of the window into blackness. It was 4am New York time. In London it would be 9am. I thought about Estie keeping track of time difference and I wondered if she still did it now. I used to think of her when I laid in bed, knowing that she would have given herself fully to sleep. I used to picture Dovid beside her and then I'd picture me beside her. How different things could have been if I'd have fought a little harder for her. 

I laid my head against the cool plastic surface of the plane and felt sleep begin to grab me. 

"Ronit..." Estie began tentatively.   
"Hmm?" I murmured, sun soaked and sleepy, shielding my eyes from the sun with the back of my hand. 

She laid beside me on a threadbare blanket by our favourite tree in the park. Sitting up she drew patterns on the plaid material. "I'm different" She said quietly. 

I was far too sleepy for this conversation. "Aren't we all?"

She considered this for a moment before sighing and lying back down beside me. Her shoulder touched my own and there was that familiar energy. "Go back to sleep" She whispered. She turned over onto her side facing away from me. 

I woke later to a chill in the air. The sun had gone down and Estie was sat with her back against the tree, knees hugged against her chest. 

"What time is it?" I groaned and rubbed away the sleep from my eyes. 

"It's seven"

"You should have woken me"

She stared at me with an expression I hadn't seen before, her dark eyes were brooding. "You look so lovely when you sleep" 

I laughed self consciously. "Were you watching me sleep Estie?" I teased. 

Her expression remained unwavering but I could see a blush tinging her cheeks pink. "Yes" She admitted. 

I gulped down the pulse that raced at my throat and smiled back at her. "Why so serious Estie?" I asked playfully.

She got to her feet and turned to face the silvery bark of the tree. I mimicked her actions and stood behind her with a tentative hand on her shoulder. "Estie are you ok?" 

She shook her head lightly and when she turned to face me her eyes were awash with unshed tears. "No"

"What is it?" I urged squeezing both of her shoulders with my hands. She looked down at them and then back up at me. 

"I'm frightened Ronit" 

"Of what?" I asked with concern. "Estie...what are you frightened of?"

She looked up at me through lowered lashes. Taking my face into her hands I registered the delicate softness of her fingertips. I didn't move. Not an inch. She had a look in her eye that was mesmerising. I saw the flicker of a challenge behind the fear. A suggestion of something that made my stomach flip. I had a thousand thoughts racing through my mind but I remained silent, waiting for Estie to make her move. And she did. She leaned in and I watched with utter fascination as long lashes met the silky peaks below her eyelids, her lips pursed and were pressed against mine with a silken smooth softness. It was the first time I'd been kissed and it was like the lighting of a match. I didn't think about the fact that Estie was a girl. I didn't think about the fact that it was wrong in the eyes of many. I thought about the fact that it was Estie. That it was my Estie. 

"I'm sorry Ronit...I..." She spluttered momentarily, silenced by the strength of my insistent hand against the back of her neck. I kissed her deeply. I kissed her with the crashing waves of memories. I kissed her because I had wanted to kiss her so many times. I had flashbacks in that moment. I remembered hot, balmy, summer days when Estie and I would have sleepovers and climb onto the roof in our night dresses. She would lay next to me and the feel of the back of her hand against mine would make the hairs on my arms stand on edge.

“Seatbelts…” The sound of the air hostesses voice roused me from my sleep and I came to with the past hovering over me. I was’t fourteen anymore. We were not childhood sweethearts.

Estie

I couldn’t share a bed with Dovid anymore. I’d developed a routine of waiting patiently until he fell asleep before I stole away and found comfort in the living room sofa. I never spoke of it and Dovid never asked. 

I sat on the sofa now with a candle flame painting the living room soft ambers and gold. The clock ticked on the mantlepiece. I wondered if she would be winding her way to me now? Would she be asleep? Could she sleep on a plane? I’d never been on one myself but I’d heard that they were notoriously uncomfortable. I wondered what she might be wearing. Would she have grabbed a bag or packed with care? I could imagine her, madly, grappling with a washing pile, tossing garments carelessly into an opened suitcase. She had always been a day dreamer, a thinker, and as a result she often gave little time to organisation. I thought back to when we were teenagers. She had always been in danger of being absent minded yet she was full to the brim with passions, fearlessness and life. I’d been astounded by it. I was still astounded by it. I thought back to when we were teenagers.

“Ronit” I warned her, gently prising her body away from mine though it killed me to do it, “Somebody might hear” I reminded her.  
She laughed gently and the sound was a vibration against my chest. Her single bed left little spare room and she slipped an arm around my waist, curious hands reaching beneath the fabric of my pyjamas to stroke the skin at the small of my back.  
“Then you’d better be quiet” I could feel Ronit’s smile against my mouth and despite myself I felt the contact rouse something of the same in me. She slipped her hands into my hair and I felt my entire body become a map of goosebumps. She pressed a solitary kiss against my temple. “Estie, you’re beautiful” She whispered into my ear.   
I shook my head. “No…” I insisted. I was still getting used to seeing myself the way that Ronit did.  
She gripped my hands in hers. “I have looked at this face a million times…” She cupped my cheek in her hands and smiled tenderly. “…I know this face” She kissed my nose, my cheeks and my mouth. “So I know that it’s beautiful”  
“I suppose I’ll have to take your word for it” I relented.


	3. Chapter 3

Ronit

I was gripped by a sense of deja vu as I stood across the road from Estie’s home. The white door seemed to gleam even in the stark mid morning sunshine. Unlike the last time I was here this little pocket of the neighbourhood was not brimming with life. The door remained closed, shining at me like a missing tooth. This time I did not drag a suitcase behind me. I had been strategic in my arrival, booking a hotel and leaving when I felt sure Dovid would not be here. 

I crossed the road, walked along the small path leading to the front door and I stood in front of it with my hand raised into a fist. It felt like long, drawn out, minutes before i gathered the courage to knock. It felt like even longer moments until I heard the rustle of life, distant footsteps and then when the door creaked open I held my breath.

Estie stood before me. She looked smaller and her face was pale. At first she didn't make eye contact with me. Instead she stepped aside, leaving me space to slip into the house. I closed the door behind me, the sound reverberating through the empty house like crashing symbols. She started to walk away and I found that my limbs acted on impulse wrapping themselves around the back of her, my head pressed against her neck. I held her close, my hands a circle around her middle. It was selfish of me but I needed to be close to her. I didn't know how else to convey how deeply sorry I was. 'Sorry for your loss' flashed through my mind and I felt sure I had chosen the best way to communicate. Rather than recoil or flinch Estie sunk back into my arms and began to cry. The sound came from the hollow of her throat and grew louder until her body shook like a leaf in my arms. She turned in my arms and buried her face in the collar of my shirt, one hand grabbed the material into a clenched fist and she held onto me. We stayed like this, Estie's cries eventually drowning out to small, insistent, breathing sounds. The clenched hand became an outstretched palm, and she moved her head to rest in my chest listening to my heart beat. 

"Thank you for coming" She whispered but it sounded dutiful.  
"Don't say that..." I trailed off hugging her to me with my back now pressed against the hallway wall. "...Estie I will always be here for you"  
She nodded her head but wriggled away from my arms. My body missed the contact and the warmth instantly. "I should make some tea" She replied suddenly.  
"Let me make it"  
She shook her head with a small smile that stretched at the corners of her mouth. "You've come so far. Have you eaten?"  
"Have you eaten?"   
"I don't have much of an appetite at the moment. I eat when I can" She said walking into the kitchen. I followed her with my mind racing. Do I talk about him? I didn't know but I felt it was right to take Estie's lead.   
I watched her as she busied herself in the kitchen making tea and fixing sandwiches. "Where are your bags?" She asked suddenly. She had been silent for so long that it felt like I'd been brought back to reality.   
"I...I thought it was best to get a hotel"  
She nodded her head. "Is it close?"  
"Yes"   
She considered this, her mind ruminating but she said nothing carrying the tray into the living room. We sat and drank tea in silence.   
"You probably didn't know what to expect" She spoke over the brim of her teacup.   
"I didn't know who'd be here" I admitted.  
"I wanted to ring you when we lost him but I didn't think it was fair to you or Dovid"   
"Was it fair to you Estie?"  
"In a way...I don't think I could have had you close then...I would have let my emotions take over. I didn't think that I could control them"   
Estie had always been so truthful in her words.   
"And now?"  
"And now I know I still want to be comforted by you. That I want you here. I'm sorry it's selfish of me" She shook her head and a look of despair flashed across her face. I put the tea down and joined her holding her hand in between both of mine.   
"You could never be selfish" I promised her. She looked down at our joined hands and smiled wryly.   
"Sometimes I think I want to be" She looked across the room but I felt she was conjuring pictures in her head. "He died almost five months ago"  
I held my breath and acknowledged the emotions battling out in my head. Five months she had waited. Five whole months.   
"I couldn't call you...I tried so many times. I started sleeping on the sofa a month ago and I'd lay here picturing myself ringing you"  
"Oh Estie" I said shaking my head sadly. "You and Dovid..."   
She shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know" She answered honestly. "I don't know what we've become"  
"Does he know that I'm here?"  
She nodded her head emphatically. "I didn't keep it from him"   
"When is he home?" I wondered out loud, glancing up at the clock on the mantelpiece. I couldn't imagine how Dovid would react to seeing me here, in his home, comforting his wife.  
"Can we leave?" She suddenly asked me her eyes unblinking, imploring. "Can we just go to your hotel room?"  
Is this a good idea? Was this the right thing to do? "Estie..."  
"Please. I want to be away from here" She surveyed the living room miserably. "I need to...I need to be away from this house. I need to sleep" She pleaded closing her eyes.   
"Of course. Of course. Let me call a taxi" 

Estie

The taxi meandered through rush hour traffic at a snails pace. I didn't mind. With every stretch of road we traveled down I told myself that I was that much further away from the house. I felt free and in acknowledging that a shard of guilt pulled at my chest. How could I feel free? I didn't feel like I deserved freedom. 

"Ok?" Estie asked tentatively. She leaned into my view, her long tumbles of hair hiding one half of her face. I held her hand in mine and smiled back at her. 

"Thank you"

She shook her head, hiding behind her hair self consciously. "You mustn't thank me Estie" She replied looking out of the window. "I would have come. For anything" 

I knew she would. I knew I could have called her once Zachary was born. She would have come. She would have pushed down her feelings for me because she wanted me to be happy. She'd done it before. The problem had been that I wasn't so sure I could push down my feelings for her. It felt easier to love her from afar. Now she would never know him and I regretted it immensely. "I know you would have" I agreed patting her hand. 

The taxi pulled up outside of a hotel. It was a multi-storey hotel with floor upon floor. I had to arch my head to see the rooftop and I couldn't explain why this was a comfort to me. I wanted to be a small window in that hotel front, hidden out of view. 

Ronit paid the fare and gently ushered me through the doors of the hotel.   
"We're on the top floor but there's a lift" She explained, pressing the buttons of the lift which pinged in recognition. 

I remembered the last time we'd been in a hotel together. I had not been myself...or perhaps it was the nearest I'd been to being myself. All the shock of being shamed by the headmistress had been sidelined for a deeper, more pressing emotion. When we'd sat side by side on the tube with not even an inch to separate us I had been flooded, floored, by my desire for her. It was like setting a light to grass which had been perished and dried by the sun. All those years of waiting, thinking and wanting, and I found I could not extinguish the flame. Instead I gave in until my want for her burned through like wild fire. I thought back on it now and wondered how we had both been so bold. I had convinced myself that I could learn passion for Dovid. I could learn to want him and for many years it had seemed as if this were true. But the second I laid eyes on her, leaning against the kitchen surface top, I knew that real chemistry was undeniable. It wasn't learnt or taught it was inherent and incomprehensible. It couldn't be rationalised or explained because it was an invisible force that propelled two people together. 

"It's this floor Estie" She whispered, gently taking my hand in hers. She was being so gentle and so unassuming. She let me have silences but she remained with me, comforting me, without trying to fix things. I held her hand back as she let me in to the hotel room. 

I was so tired that I thought I could sleep immediately. 

"What do you need?" She asked, smoothing away a stray hair from my forehead. 

"To sleep" I replied, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She nodded her head and got down to her knees. A brief memory flashes before my eyes and I felt the rush of desire and then the plague of guilt. She slipped off my shoes, momentarily holding my feet before she folded over the covers and watched as I slipped beneath them. "You won't leave?" I asked.

"No" She replied settling in beside me. I turned onto my side so that my face was nestled against her hip and in moments I had fallen into a deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your lovely comments x


	4. Chapter 4

Ronit

I sat on the window sill smoking out of the opened window and surveying the scene below. London was alive with the sound of honking taxis and darting people. People walked around with heaped shopping bags, looking like tiny ants. I had sat motionless for hours not wanting to wake Estie as she slept so deeply. Nicotine had pulled at me hours later and I'd carefully extracted myself from her warm slumbering body. She had made some small moan in protest but had sunk back into the pillow. 

I tried not to think about Dovid. I tried not to remember the last time Estie had gone missing. The frantic fear in his eyes. He loved Estie and I knew that in some fashion Estie loved him also but I also knew that it was a love that required significant sacrifice from Estie. I watched her as she slept and thought back to when we were teenagers. 

"Do you think Dovid suspects something?" I asked, smiling to myself as I registered how quickly Estie averted her eyes, looking down at her lap with precision. 

"Knows?" She gasped. 

"You can look up now Estie. I'm dressed" I told her greeting her with a wink which made her cheeks flush. "Do you think he suspects there's something between us?"

She shook her head insistently. "Absolutely not. Nobody should know" She replied as she began to undress. I looked at the soft, pale, expanse of her back and the merest suggestion of her underwear. “Nobody knows” She insisted, slipping into my single bed and shimmying her way to the far side, what had informally become known as her side. 

I slipped into bed beside her and relished the feel of her shoulder against mine. I turned onto my side and she mirrored my actions. I had looked at this face a million times and yet I still found new things to admire. I loved the way she pursed her lips when she was thinking. I loved the way her eyes had flecks of green in them but only sometimes. I loved the way she had a special look and a special smile reserved only for me.

“What are you thinking about?” She asked. I knew Estie had a million things running through her head. I knew that she wanted to kiss me, touch me, unabashedly but that she couldn’t. I knew there were times when her desire for me boiled over and she couldn’t resist the temptation to kiss me in the bathroom, hold my hand under the table at the synagogue or lean in just that little bit too closely. She wanted me but she was still too timid and still too fearful about what this all meant. 

I turned the light off and leaned in closer. “I’m thinking about you” I whispered, pressing my lips to hers. She sighed into the kiss, hands finding the small of my back, stroking me through the material of my pyjamas. I didn’t want to be separated by anything. i didn’t want snatched glances, modest kisses, or hand holding. I wanted all of her. I kissed her deeply, all the passion, the frustration and the years of waiting and wondering, spilled into the kiss. I couldn’t help myself. 

“What are you thinking about?” Estie’s voice brought me back into the room. I watched her as she stretched contentedly like a cat. 

“I’m thinking about you” I remarked, glancing back out of the window. The sun had just begun to set. I tried to catch a hold of myself, to remind myself why I was here, what I had come for. But I could not alter my response to being near her. I couldn’t halt the stampede of butterflies whenever she said my name. I could not stop the simple feel of her touching my arm from feeling like she had direct control over my entire body.

“I’m thinking about you too” She admitted. “But I feel guilty”

I nodded in understanding. I knew that I complicated things further. I knew that she was likely feeling the same sense of crushing guilt and elated joy as I was.

"I feel guilty for smiling. I feel guilty when I'm living for a moment without thinking of him" She added tearfully. "I feel guilty for being here!" 

"And if you weren't here?"

She looked at the time on the alarm clock beside her bed. "I'd be cooking Dovid's evening meal...in silence. I'd be thinking of Zachary. I'd be thinking of you. I've thought about you a lot these past few months" 

"I've thought about you too. Always in the evenings and always in the mornings" I replied with a gentle bob of my head. 

"Come sit beside me" She said her voice hoarse and thick with feeling. 

Sheepishly I obliged, sitting beside her on the bed, feeling the bed shift ever so slightly under my weight. She looked at my face, her eyes skimming my mouth, my cheeks and my nose with a slow, growing, smile. She slipped my hair behind my ears, gently stroking my cheeks with her fingertips. I gulped audibly, becoming self-conscious under her intense gaze. "Ronit" She had a habit of speaking my name in an exhale and it always, always floored me. She leaned in slowly pressing a featherlight kiss against my lips. Holding my face between her hands she pulled me in closer, gripping me tightly, in an effort to deepen the kiss. My body reacted instantly, every inch of my skin coming to life, every fabric of my being screaming out to touch her, to hold her, to kiss every part of her body. Her tongue brushed against mine with a jolting electricity and her gentle groan made my stomach flip. She began to paw at my clothes, nimble hands unbuttoning my shirt and slipping between the fabric to stroke at my chest tenderly. Her kiss intensified, and I could hear her panting now. The room grew warm with our frantic kisses and I felt utterly rooted to her. I wanted to be inside her, to feel her pulse, to feel her warmth. But as her mouth found my neck, my groan filling the room, I started to doubt myself. What was I doing? What should I be doing? "Estie..." my voice was heavy, gravel, with lust. "...Estie..." She sat up and her mouth was swollen from our kisses. I brushed her lips with two fingertips, cupping her chin in my hands.   
"I feel like I'd be taking advantage" I admitted reluctantly. "I don't want to..."  
She held my hands in her own as my words dissipated into the quiet of the room. "I want to be close to you" She replied. "It's all I can think of right now"   
When she began to slip out of her blouse I felt my heart thud to life. I knew I'd be powerless to resist her.


	5. Chapter 5

Estie

My mind was completely focused on her, on the sight of her eyes filled with trepidation and desire. It made for an intoxicating mix and her once Hazel eyes seemed imperceptibly darker than usual. They were watching me with fascination as my hands slipped under the shoulders of her shirt, teasing the fabric along smooth, skin. The fabric bunched by her wrists, which were steadfastly rooted to the spot. They held her up despite the hammering of her heart in her chest which rose and fell. She was breathing heavily now. She had always been such a vocal lover. Sometimes I wouldn't even have to touch her and I would hear those gasping breathes signal her anticipation. It made me feel more alive than I'd ever felt. Reflected in her eyes was the heavy imprint of desire. I knew how much she wanted me, how deeply she craved me and it made me feel exciting. In her eyes I felt as though I were the most seductive, the most attractive woman in the room. It belied the routine, organised, sex that occurred as regular as a Friday evening, and the chaos of it felt like the undoing of a tight fitted button stiffly cloying at my throat.   
I kissed each of her shoulder blades mindful of the way Ronit's eyes tracked my every movement. Her mouth was ever so slightly ajar and as I brushed a path along her collar bone she closed her eyes and sighed with relief. She was magnificent, arching ever so slightly beneath my touch with her long tumbling brown hair masking her beautiful face. I slipped her hair behind each ear. I wanted to see her, to watch the emotions play out on her face. Kissing her tenderly I cupped silken, soft cheeks, the tips of my thumbs creating invisible patterns on her delicate skin. "Estie..." She drew my name out painfully slowly. Her eyes remained closed and she looked blissful.   
I leaned in close and my lips brushed against her ear, just a feather light touch and yet it made a shiver of delight run down her spine.   
"I'm sure" I assured her. "I want you" I turned my attention to her neck, moving her face to the side with eager hands, my mouth finding the softest skin to kiss, to nibble, to take in. I could smell the scent of her perfume, a heady mix that combined with the natural smell of her. It was intoxicating. Small frequent moans tumbled past closed lips and her hands found the back of my head applying just enough pressure to remind me of how much she wanted my touch. I slipped onto her waiting lap feeling the heat begin to build at my core. The contact unraveled us both. She gripped my hair in her hands kissing me with total abandon, that perfect mouth taking in my bottom lip, which had me grinding shamelessly against her. I felt wild with lust. I felt like every single cell in my body was humming to life, pulling me out of the emotional coma I'd endured these past months. We writhed against one another, fighting for crumbs of contact. The motion propelled me onto my back, Ronit's mouth never leaving mine as our bodies connected tightly. She slipped a knee between my thighs and a deep cry escaped the hollow of my throat. "I want you to be closer" I urged her, parting from her mouth to place a hand over hers. Guiding the hand to the waistband of my trousers I laid my head back as she struggled, momentarily, with the zipper. It was mere seconds before her fingers slipped into my underwear but I felt every aching moment. She paused and looked at my face, eyes connecting with mine as I felt her slip into me, filling me with her touch. The feeling was indescribable. Even the thought of it, the acknowledgment that she was on top of me with her fingers arching inside me, was enough to bring me close to the edge. Feeling her gaze on me, knowing how turned on she was by the sight of me flushed and wild, made my mind scream out with desire. I moved against her fingers, the added friction made by her wrist leaving me panting into the hotel room. Shallow moans grew by the second as I could feel the pressure mounting, growing to the point that I felt swallowed entirely by the motion of her tentative hand. I gripped at her, hands holding her shoulders tightly, that last exquisite jolt and then I was riding the waves. As the dust settled she was lying beside me and stroking the outline of my face. She pressed a kiss to my jawline, finding a hand and entwining fingers.   
"You look truly wild when you come" Her raspy voice whispered into my ear. I felt that desire in my chest and that heat building once more.   
"Wild?" I questioned, propped up by an elbow. She smoothed stray hair away from my face and her eyes were hooded with lust.   
"Like you're letting go of something..." She trailed off as a finger lazily stroked a path between her breasts. "It's hard to explain" She added, her voice noticeably impacted by the touch of my hands gliding across her skin.   
"Try" I challenged, sitting up and shimmying out of my trousers. She watched my every movement unblinkingly. I popped open the bottom at the waistband of her jeans and slid them off of her until they were pooled at her ankles. Taking them off I carelessly tossed them over my shoulder. She was lying there in nothing but her underwear, her milk soft skin beaming, begging to be touched.   
"You're so mindful of how you move, what you say, what you do..." I slid on top of her crotch feeling her heat rising against mine with sweet pleasure. I moved against her, smiling as I felt her writhing beneath me. "But not here" She gasped. "Here you don't think..." She gripped my backside in her hands, drawing me to her to gather more contact. "...you just feel" I leaned down capturing her mouth in my own, tongue sliding against hers with a raw excitement, smiling into the kiss as her hands moved desperately into my hair. She pulled me deeper and deeper into the kiss, sucking on my tongue with a frantic desire. I slipped my fingers into her underwear marvelling as I was greeted by her wetness.   
"Ronit!" I exclaimed, my eyes fluttering closed as I registered how turned on she was. I wanted to taste her. I wanted her in my mouth and I hastily slipped her underwear down to her ankles and gently parted her thighs. I drank her in, the taste, the scent, the raw essence of her. The taste of her was like a beautiful memory to me, a memory I remembered often, a memory that never failed to keep me warm on lonely nights. Now I was tasting her again and I savoured her wetness, tongue lapping at her core as she moved erratically beneath me. She writhed frantically, her hands in my hair pushing my tongue deeper inside of her. She was insistent now, applying pressure to the back of my neck and crying out in pleasure. I continued to lap at her, slipping two fingers inside of her, the feel of her overwhelming me. "Estie I can't...I'm nearly there" She whimpered as my mouth and fingers worked in tandem. I could feel she was ready and I arched my fingers ever so slightly, the action met with her walls contracting against me, her head jerking back and her entire body tensed and then relaxed entirely. She lay there blissed out, exhaling in shallow spurts her body completely relaxed and pleasure filled.   
"You're beautiful Ronit. You've always been beautiful" I promised her, drawing the covers over us and settling in beside her, her chest a pillow, and her thrumming heartbeat a comforting trance. As her hand rest against my cheek I felt my eyes grow tired and heavy. I didn't think I would sleep again but I did. 

Ronit

I was sated. Full after the feeling of her mouth on me. No matter how much time passed I still amazed myself with how perfectly our bodies fit together, how in sync we were in our mutual pleasure. Estie could look at me with one raised brow and I would feel it everywhere as though it triggered memories of our every kiss, of our every stolen encounter. This didn't feel like a stolen encounter. It didn't feel like we were on borrowed time. Didn't feel like we needed to be rushed, not while she drew lazy patterns on my stomach as we watched the t.v. The television screen beamed a light show on the white ceiling. It was comforting somehow. It felt like we were any other couple spending time together in a hotel room. I imagined the two of us visiting London, reacquainting ourselves with our home towns for a break from New York. We'd have those stock stories that most happy couples had. We'd laugh over the hellish airport experience and share stories of similarly bad travel experiences. We'd have favourite outfits that we liked each other to wear. She'd come up behind me, wrap her arms around my stomach and whisper in my ear to 'wear the green dress. It goes with your eyes' then she'd remind me that sometimes, only sometimes did my eyes have tiny flecks of green in them. I had a sadness in the pit of my stomach at all those lost chances but deeper than that was a nagging fear of what might not be. I couldn't lose my head. Just because we were here together closer than skin did not mean that this was the beginning of something. Just because she'd called me it didn't mean that she would come with me this time.   
"Do you need to call Dovid?" I finally asked my voice hoarse. I cleared my throat.   
She groaned into my bare shoulder. "Don't talk of him" She despaired. "I just want to be in the moment with you"  
I nodded my head in understanding but I knew it couldn't last. "Estie I want nothing more than that but...he might worry. Last time he thought the worst"  
She sat up and groaned hiding her face in her hands. "Don't remind me!"   
I thought back to the moment we found her and she'd revealed that she was pregnant. I was instantly filled with guilt and regret for pressuring her. "I'm sorry" I apologised. "I didn't think"   
She moved behind me and scooped me into her arms, hands reaching round to form an x against my chest. She kissed the side of my neck. "I'm going to call him" She acquiesced as I covered her hands with my palms. "But I don't want to leave" She added and I felt my heart spike with hope.


	6. Chapter 6

Esti

She kissed my head and then walked towards the hotel room door. She stood with her hand on the door handle and glanced over her shoulder at me. 

"Whatever you decide to do Esti I'll still be here tomorrow" She promised. 

It meant a lot to me to hear her say it even though I could hear the tinge of sadness in her voice. I knew that she wasn't going to run away this time. 

She took one last lingering look at me smiling warmly before she left. 

I sat on the bed staring at the telephone on the bedside table. It seemed to speak to me reminding me of its presence. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. I didn't want to rise to its challenge. Didn't want anything to burst this bubble. I just wanted to be in her arms, wrapped in her soft limbs and piled together as close as possible. I wanted to forget. I wanted to pretend for a moment that the pain didn't exist. That I wasn't missing a huge piece of my life. I knew it was unfair to expect Ronit to be that piece. She couldn't replace Zachary. Nobody could replace or fill the void I felt so deeply in my heart. Nobody could. But if I spent one more moment in that home, with those memories, with Dovid's philosophical comforts, I thought I might drown in feeling. 

I picked up the receiver and punched in that familiar number of home. Did it feel like home any longer? There was the heavy dull throb of the phone ringing. I held the handset against my ear, the cool plastic like a breeze in the wind. The phone was answered and Dovid sighed deeply.

"Esti" Dovid answered. "I've been worried. It's...it's 9"  
"I know. I'm sorry I worried you"  
"Is she with you?" He asked and I could hear the frustration in his voice. "Is she there?"   
"Not at the moment"  
There was a long silence before he exhaled deeply. "Esti I plead for you to think clearly. To think of the sacrifice..."  
"I have already sacrificed" I reminded him feeling that too familiar spike of resentment.  
"And haven't I?" He snapped. "And now?" His voice was calmer now and I could picture him admonishing himself for losing his cool. Straightening himself back into his composure which was as unshakable as his faith. "And now what are we to sacrifice?"  
"I don't know" I answered genuinely. I did not know. From the moment I sent that email I knew I had started something I would be unable to control. There was a relief in the unknown, a sense that I was allowing things to naturally run there course and what would be would be final. I hadn't thought through the possibilities or the consequences because I was playing a game of Russian roulette with myself. I was showing my hand and I didn't know if this would be a long weekend or if I could truly picture myself on that plane leaving everything behind.   
"This is fantasy Esti. This isn't real"  
It was real. It was as real as she'd been in my arms. It was as real as the weight of her body against mine. What wasn't real was the life I'd been leading, the role I'd been playing as dutiful wife. I had tried so hard to be someone else that I'd begun to hate myself for failing.   
"I'm real" I whispered. "This is me. I cannot hide that. I have tried. I have tried so hard to be somebody else"   
"All of your efforts have not been in vain. This will be seen. The life you have made has not been in vain" Dovid repeated like a mantra. 

I did not want him to correct me. I did not want to be corrected. Surely losing everything had taught me that I should hold onto the things that made me whole? Surely I had to live a life that belonged to me? My life belonged to me. "My life belongs to me" I repeated. I was crying now, hot tears that streamed down my face and pooled at my neck. 

"It is our life Esti. Our life that we built together. Our son who we lost" Dovid spoke more firmly now. I could hear the fear slip into his calm, meditative, tones like shards of ice. "We will sacrifice everything!" He shouted.

But I had sacrificed so much to be here. "I'm sorry Dovid" I whispered. "I'm sorry"

"Come home Esti"

I shook my head profusely. I couldn't bear to see the expression on his face I already held it, hauntingly, in mind. "I need to go now"

"I warn you Esti. You are not thinking clearly ..."

I placed the phone down silencing his words in an instant. I was gripped by the guilt and the fear. I sat on the edge of the bed and cried, a deep uncontrollable cry that filled the room like a wail. Could I sacrifice all that I'd known? 

Ronit 

I paced the aisles of the supermarket picking up items and then changing my mind intermittently. Snacks? I grabbed bags of crisps, flinging them into the basket. Boxes of fruit, strawberries, grapes, blueberries, bursts of vivid colour that were pleasing to the eye. Bottles of red wine and plump olives. Every item I bought seemed to convince me that she'd be waiting for me in the hotel room. 

I was painting a picture in my head of the two of us, undressed, sipping on glasses of red wine that stained our lips merlot. And then what? I questioned myself. What was I prepared for? For her to come back with me? To arrive in my life in New York with no hang ups. I tried to picture Estie settling into life in New York. I wondered if I'd be enough, if we would work. We had never made it work since we were teenage lovers, living shrouded in secrets with a romance that existed only in private. In many ways we were still living like that now. We were still teenagers hiding in secret. I registered the thought glumly as I paid for the items in my shopping basket and lugged them back to the hotel. 

I looked up at the sky high building. It was late now and the hundreds of windows beamed back at me, some lit up with activity, some darkened, blacked out as unoccupied. I wondered if one of the hotel windows was our hotel room. 

The journey from the lift to the hotel room was spent holding my breath. Suddenly I realised how much it meant to me to be with her. For years I had rationalised her not being in my life. I'd convinced myself that it had been meant to be. I'd developed a sensibility that protected me from the truth. From the fact that I had always wanted her from the moment she first kissed me by the silver bitch tree. It was hard not to be romantic when I had the smell of her on me and the taste of her on my lips. 

I opened the door and saw her on the edge of the bed hugging her knees to her chest. Elation turned into sadness as she looked up at me with hopeful eyes. "Oh Esti" I whispered dropping the shopping bags on the floor. I leant down in front of her with my hands steadied by her knees. "Was it truly awful?"  
"It was necessary" She replied after considerable hesitation. And wasn't that Esti? Chewing over the right word. Never hurried, always thoughtful.   
I smoothed damp cheeks with the tips of my fingers. "I'm so happy that you're here"   
A smile began to pierce the sadness of her pursed lips. She held my face in her hands and smiled deeper now.   
"You didn't think I'd stay?" She whispered, gently gripping the lapels of my jacket to urge me onto the bed with her. I obliged feeling that purring electricity in the pit of my stomach radiating heat throughout. "Ronit..." She shook her head and allowed a small knowing laugh. "I want..."  
I wasn't sure I could bear to hear it. I felt sure she would tell me she wanted to be with me, really be with me. The thought crept into the back of my mind with a shiver of excitement but was blown away by the cobwebs of my memories. We had been here before. We had been swept away in the moment, buoyed by excitement and romance. I cupped a cheek in the palm of my hands and traced the surface of her bottom lip with the tip of my thumb.   
"Tell me in the morning" I urged, watching as her eyes fluttered, lashes greeting milk soft skin.   
She gripped me by the shoulders with a sense of urgency but I knew that she understood by the soft nod of her head. "My Ronit" She smiled kissing me gently, featherlight. "I'm starving"  
I smiled against her lips. "My lady. Dinner is served" I announced, retrieving the plastic bag with a graceful bow.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your wonderful comments and apologies for the pause.

Esti

The room had grown warm. In the background the television hummed with life projecting a light show onto the hotel ceiling. Moments ago we had shared delighted smiles, our girlish giggles a soundtrack to nostalgia. Ronit had produced a bizarre concoction of picnic food, feeding me grapes and luscious strawberries as I'd held my head back with the motion of a fierce laugh. Seeping through our hotel bubble was the memory of grief and guilt. I pushed it to the back of my mind even though I knew that it would return with a vengeance. 

Sated we had haphazardly moved the food aside and she had settled in beside me content to gaze at me with those full, beautiful, eyes. They were rich with untapped gold, thick lashes framing her perfect face. "Oh Ronit" I moaned, enjoying the pleasure of every drawn out syllable. "I will never tire of looking at this face" She hid her face self consciously in the pillow. It never failed to surprise me how bashful she could be in my presence. 

My mind ticked back to shopping trips we'd indulged in when we were young. "What do you think?" She'd asked with a wink after plonking an outrageously large sun hat on her head. She admired herself in the reflection of the changing room mirrors and seconds later burst into fits of laughter at the sight of herself. 

But I didn't. I leaned against the rickety changing room walls and thought about how wonderful she was. I had gazed at her too longingly and watched with growing curiosity as her cheeks had blossomed with a hint of pink, as delicate and as subtle as the pink hues of dusted fondant peonies. "I think you look beautiful" I replied honestly. Ronit was forever floored by my unwavering desire to speak the truth, even if it were too honest for the confines of a quiet, dusty, charity shop. 

"Nonsense" She'd remarked batting my words away with a flippant hand. I'd come up behind her then, my face appearing in the mirrors reflection. Was this what I looked like when I wanted her? Grave, serious, brewing like moody clouds in the sky. She said nothing now and the sound of some antiquated soundtrack pulled at my senses. We were still getting used to this. To acting on our desires. We snatched moments where we dared to and in this moment I could not resist the pleasure of our snug confines. 

"It's not nonsense" I insisted, smoothing long hair away to reveal the gentle slope at the back of her neck where her hairline began. I kissed her there and felt her head slump forward. I kissed the silken softness I found there watching as she shivered with delight, her hands suddenly steadying themselves against the mirror. I could see her face clearly now, the expression one of peaceful pleasure. With daring anticipation I slid my arms around her middle, resting my face in the crook of her neck to breathe in the smell of her. 

"Do you mind? We've got one changing room and you've taken it over!" The elderly woman, minding the till, suddenly called out causing the two of us to bolt away from each other. 

"Keep your wig on!" Ronit exclaimed with a sense of confidence that masked our blushed cheeks. We fled the charity shop hand in hand squawking like spooked birds. 

I thought about that moment now and realised that we had loved each other always in the shadows. It was a weight on me as heavy and uncompromising as the sense of shame which had engulfed me from the moment I accepted I was different. 

I looked at Ronit now. She had grown silent marvelling at the expression on my face. She was waiting patiently. So patiently. I lamented the fact that I had loved this beautiful face all these years, masked by an imposed sense of fear. This was not a face to love in the darkness. I cradled her hands in mine bringing them to my mouth to greet with a kiss. "You have always had such beautiful hands" I told her before kissing each knuckle. 

"Have I?" She whispered with a sad smile. 

I nodded my head. "They're purposeful. They have a poetry about them that makes me feel romantic and indulgent" When I kissed her closed hand it opened to gently cup my cheek. "I want to believe that I can hold these hands wherever we are" 

I felt her sudden inhale and I knew I had denied her wish for me to wait until tomorrow. "I want to believe that too" Her voice was raw with emotion and she cleared her throat unable to meet my eyes. She didn't want me to see the pain, the hope, the concern, but I could feel it pouring out of her. 

"I want to be with you" I told her, registering my own disappointment as a flash of disbelief changed her face momentarily. I knew that she was plagued with doubt and I couldn't blame her. In this hotel room, with the ghost of past memories, I felt brave, I could picture myself sat beside her on a plane chartered for New York. I felt like I could begin again with her. 

Ronit

"I want to be with you" The words sent my heart thrumming to life like the pulsing beat of a drum. I. Want. To. Be. With. You. Six simple words strung together to form a possibility. A promise? I didn't want to imagine it yet. I couldn't allow myself that indulgence. I felt like she was sleepwalking, dazed by loss to the extent that she was contemplating leaving everything she had striven to build. Despite my best efforts I felt the hot spring of tears. I looked away from her but I could feel her gaze on me, watching my every reaction. 

"You have no idea how much I want that Esti" I choked back tears. "But I want you to know it clearly" 

"I understand" She replied solemnly with a look of sorrow on her face. "I'll show you that I am not afraid. I have experienced the worst and I want to be with the living" 

I thought of Dovid and I thought of the home they shared. I thought of her life as a dutiful wife and Mother. I thought about the cut of her skirts and the community she had pieced together. Then I thought about her in my apartment. I thought about her clothes in one half of my wardrobe. I imagined lazily carrying a tray into our bedroom, the tea set billowing over with steam and hot water as I cursed myself for not putting the croissants onto plates. She would smile tenderly, knowingly, and when I sat down beside her she would lovingly place a kiss against my temple. 

"I want to be with you" I echoed her words, repeating them like a mantra as she pressed herself to me, her body colliding like the friction of a kiss. As her hands toyed with the buttons of my shirt I felt my worries dissipate, chased away by the desire that flooded my senses. 

She kept her eyes locked onto mine as her hand gently teased the lace fabric of my underwear. Slipping beneath the material her hands grazed my breasts and despite myself i closed my eyes to the sight of her intensity pulled by an instinctual draw. When I opened my eyes she had slipped my bra down to rest under my breasts, hot mouth teasing and wet. My hand found the back of her head, my eyes closed, my mouth ajar with pure melting pleasure. I was honey under her touch. Pure melting honey. She settled at my chest for long exquisite moments fixated with a motion that made me writhe, descending into moans and spoken gibberish that painted the room with noise. Then a hand expertly unzipped my trousers and she pulled away, only briefly, to pull my trousers and underwear free. When she straddled me I was aware of the juxtaposition of her fully clothed and me naked from the waist down. It made me feel coveted, owned by her, and the thought was erotically charged. I revelled in the way she enjoyed my body, noting the pathway her mouth took as it dipped below my navel teasingly, excruciatingly. She slipped between my thighs and I arched backwards at the contact, buffeted by the headboard. She had always been an ardent lover. I gripped her hair in my hands, fingertips lightly scratching the surface of her scalp unable to stop myself from willing her mouth further into me. I held her hair up now and watched her as she lapped at me, heavy eyes tracking the way she drank me in. I was close now. I could feel it building up inside of me, pushed to the sweet edge and willing myself to submit to the feeling. Then there were minutes, seconds perhaps, and I was grappling at her hair and panting into the heat of the room without a single thought in my head. I was sand spilling from a jar, grains of sand trickling without focus or shape. Anchored only by the feel of her soft hair in balled fists. Then she kissed each thigh eliciting a final shudder and slipped back onto my waiting lap tenderly kissing me through the fog of after glow.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for your lovely comments they are really appreciated.

Esti

I knew I should do this on my own but I didn't want to. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was wearing a mismatch of Ronit's clothes and it felt like the emergence of a new me, that the clothes I had came in, which had been tossed aside, were like the shedding of an unwanted skin. Could I muster courage in mere days? Courage enough to pack my bag and leave?

Last night, when the lights had been turned off and the room was pitch black, I had curled up closer to Ronit and had made my decision. "I want to leave with you" I'd whispered unsure if Ronit was sleeping. Would the words form fragments of her dreams? 

"Esti I don't want you to feel pressured into making a decision" 

"You need to get back to your life" I reminded her.

"Yes" She agreed and then there was a long, drawn out, pause. "But I can come back for you" 

I shook my head vehemently. "I couldn't bear that. I couldn't bear to go back to that house knowing you were so far away"

"I could take more time..." She offered.

"I have had enough time. I made this decision the moment I contacted you. The moment I heard your voice I knew that it was time" 

"Esti I just want you to be sure" She urged me. 

I sat up now. I was becoming frustrated, fearful that I had conjured ideas of a life together that Ronit did not want. 

"I have always been sure but I've never been brave enough. Losing something so precious changes you. It forces you to look at your life with a magnifying glass. And you were the only thing left that made sense to me" I told her with my eyes beginning to water. 

She held me and I felt the reassuring beat of her heart. "Do you want me to book flights?" She asked tentatively and the words brought forth a thundering pulse at my throat. I felt breathless and excited. 

"As soon as you can" I replied excitedly. "Tomorrow if you can" 

"Do you have a passport?" She asked suddenly and I could hear the relief and the excitement brewing in her voice. I knew now that she had been tentative, guarded, up until this very moment because, despite her own needs, she would always make the sacrifice of waiting for me. 

"Yes" I said with my mind mentally tracing the rooms of the house and settling on one of the draws in the kitchen. After Zachary had died I'd envisioned running away to New York. I'd renewed my passport, packed a bag even, but I had been so stuck in a fog of grief and obligation that I hadn't been able to leave. "I'll get it tomorrow morning" I insisted.

"And Dovid?"

"I don't know. I don't know" I panicked, hands gesturing wildly. "I don't want to think about it. I just want to get my things and go" 

I saw a flash of guilt tugging at Ronit's delicate features and I knew I should be ashamed but I couldn't bear it. I couldn't bear to think of the words I would say. No, it was better this way. 

"Do you want me to come with you?" Ronit asked as she sat on the edge of the bed looking tense. 

"I have to do this on my own" I said the words out loud as much to myself as to her. 

She nodded her head and I could see some of the tension leaving her body. "I'll wait here for you" 

I nodded my head and came to her in long strides, seizing her in my arms suddenly. The feel of her muscles flexing beneath my hold was a comfort, a reminder that she was here solid and real, like she always would be. I kissed her so hard that it felt like a bruise on my lips. "I love you Ronit" I whimpered. "I love you" I repeated and the words felt like a freedom. 

"I love you too. I've always loved you" 

Ronit

I didn't know what to do with myself. I had sat in the middle of the bed completely motionless with my mind racing like the heart of a humming bird. 

After a while I couldn't bear the silence anymore and so I put my shoes on in a daze, feet finding there way down to the hotel bar. I sat at a solitary booth surrounded by businessmen reading newspapers which were so large they blocked out all but the crowns of their heads. There was the clatter of plates, the scraping of forks and knifes and some idle chatter amongst the waiters and waitresses. I ordered a strong black coffee and some toast, happy to be amongst the noise and distractions of a busy breakfast service. Being in the hum of a Thursday morning in London made me feel like this was more than romantic notions conjured in the bubble of our hotel room. 

I tried to picture Esti's journey. She would be there by now. Would she really slip out in a cloak of ambiguity? What would she pack? Photographs? Clothes? Trinkets? A part of me worried that she was trying to erase her entire past life and that this would only act as a bandaid. It had been a tempestuous few days and I was beginning to feel the impact of the intensity. Coffee drained I ordered a whiskey with a justifiable shard of shame, acknowledging that it wasn't yet afternoon time. If the waitress felt any judgement she was sure not to allow it to mar her face and dutifully placed a tumblr of whiskey in front of me. After this I would stand outside in the sunshine and smoke a cigarette. 

It had been so long since Esti and I had hatched a plan for romantic freedom. I could still remember the day. It had been a hot balmy summer. The ground practically sizzled with the heat and London had become an unbearable smog of humidity. We'd stolen away for a day trip to a spot I'd known well, outside of London. It had been an oasis to me and as we were packed into a busy train like sardines I'd dreamt of plunging myself into the lake I knew was waiting for me. I was excited to share this with Esti and pictured her sitting on a blanket, tucking into the sandwiches I'd made with gusto.

"Where is it?" Esti had complained kicking at some dried grass irritated by the heat and the walking. 

"Soon" I promised, holding her hand and pulling at her reluctant frame as she attempted to root herself to the spot in a tantrum. "Come on it'll be worth it" I insisted.

"It had better be" 

I smiled at her irritation as we walked through a clearing. I spotted the trail that lead to the lake and walked faster. Ducking between a mess of overgrown trees we stepped into the picture perfect scene I had promised. The lake shone back at us, surface impossibly still, water brimming with ethereal greens and translucent blues. 

"Ronit" She gasped. "It's beautiful"

"Lets jump in" I urged unbuttoning my shirt and tossing it aside as Esti looked on in part intrigue part horror. I slipped out of my skirt and unhooked my bra. 

"What if someone sees?" She despaired.

"There's no one here Esti. It's just us" 

Despite her outrage I could see her drinking in the sight of me naked but for the small modesty of my underwear. It still thrilled me to see the passion in her eyes. "I'm going in" I told her with a wink before I ran toward the lake and jumped into the cool waters, engulfed in a splash. There was the initial shock like a slap to the face and then my body was alive with the cooling stillness. I peeked my head out and watched Esti's hesitant movements. She began to unrobe and walked towards me with a coy smile that made me beam like a hapless idiot. When Esti entered the water she entered like a fawn taking its first steps. She shuddered and shivered taking one step at a time before submerging herself up to the shoulders with a squeal. I swam towards her and captured her in my arms, kissing her long and slow and lingeringly. I kissed her as deeply as I could manage, registering the way she painted for breath when we parted. 

"I wish this were everyday" I told her as we bobbed against the water kicking our legs.

"Do you think about what might happen?" She asked seconds before dipping her head under the water. She swam between my legs and emerged behind me, gripping me against her. 

"When I think about the future I think about the two of us living in a pokey flat somewhere away from London. I think about doing ordinary things like the crossword in the mornings, holding hands without worrying about who might see us. You know Esti that we couldn't be where we are if we're together? We couldn't be in the community" I spoke with both hope and sadness. 

"We could save money? We could start now and we could build a nest egg. I could get a job and you'd go to university" She remarked becoming excited at the prospect of our life together. 

"And we could live on the coast? We wouldn't have much money but we'd have each other. I'd live in a beach hut with you" I beamed watching as something of the same was reflected in Esti's expression. 

"My Ronit" She cooed. 

"Another?" The waitresses raw tones snipped at the seams of my daydreaming. 

I smiled at her and she smiled back at me with a look of sympathy. "Bad break up?" She replied knowingly. 

"I think I'd better have another" I answered and she nodded her head patting my shoulder sympathetically. 

"Better off without him babe" She called back at me as she retreated to the bar. I smiled at the irony of it all.


	9. Chapter 9

I stood at the front door with the key held in my hand poised inches away from the lock. How many times had I unlocked this door? Thousands, thousands of times, and yet today I felt like a stranger. It was as though the days I had spent, curled up in comfort, in Ronit’s hotel room had distorted my memory of the wooden panes, of the neighbourhood and everybody in it. Today the wooden panes seemed dull and tarnished. They needed a lick of paint, I thought. But I would not be painting them. I would not stand in front of this door again. The thought brought forth both pleasure and pain. For a moment I stood in the mid- morning heat of summer and remembered the first time Zachary had stumbled unsteadily past the door frame, finding his feet and promptly bumping into the coat rack. I had gathered him in my arms kissing the top of his head. I couldn’t bear to think of him now and I shook my head willing the action to shake away the fragments of memories which played out in perfect, luminous, colour, just to taunt me.

“Come on Esti. Be brave” I chided myself. The lock slipped seamlessly into the key, mechanism turning with a crunching sound that seemed so much more amplified. I held my breath as I pushed the door open, hesitating before I worked up the courage to step into the house. 

As I stood in the hallway I waited with ears pricked for any sign of life. There was nothing but silence, a stillness, that was so strong it seemed deafening. And then there was a scrape of a chair, which sent my heart plummeting. Dovid appeared in the living room doorway with hunched shoulders and tired, sad, eyes. I would not be able to leave without seeing him.

“Esti. You’ve come back” His gentle voice belied a small sense of hope and I felt like a coward and a monster. “This is the way…”

“Dovid!” I exclaimed cutting him off mid-sentence. “We need to talk”

He nodded his head sagely. “Of course. We are husband and wife. Haven’t we always talked? Haven’t we always been honest and open with each other?”

I turned away from him and retreated into the kitchen. I had not been honest with Dovid and I felt the realisation with the sting of shame. “I’ll make us some tea”

“Esti…” He gripped my wrist in a hand, gently pulling me towards him. “Forget about the tea” He was close to me now and his eyes gazed into my own. I could smell his familiar smell. A smell that had wound its way into my life until it had become my smell, our smell. But now I had the smell of Ronit on me, a striking contrast in its vibrancy. I took a step back from him.

“Dovid…” I choked back the words. Could I just say it? Could I just say the words? “…Dovid I’m leaving”

He considered my words for a moment with little change in expression. Then he smiled and shook his head. “Esti, you are not thinking clearly. You are suffering and she’s taking advantage of you again!” He reached for me again and I batted him away in frustration.

“I have to leave Dovid. I have to” I turned away from him and fled into the living room. Standing in front of the cabinet I opened it, searching through paperwork until my fingers seized upon the passport, which was hidden from sight. I slipped it into the inner pocket of Ronit’s jacket as he appeared behind me. My heart had begun to thud in fast tempo. I was not in fear of Dovid but I couldn’t bear to wait any longer. I couldn’t bear the idea of him hopelessly keeping the passport in a last ditched effort to keep me here.

“Esti think of what you’re saying! What will you do? Where will you go?” He implored. He stood in the door way kneading his temples with a hand. “Do you expect to start a life with her?” He challenged with a look of contempt. “And what about everything you’ll leave behind? What about me?!” He shouted the words now and his eyes fogged with tears.

I remained still. “I’m sorry Dovid” I whispered. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry but I can’t live a lie anymore” I spoke through tears.

“A lie?” He practically spat the words out. “Has everything been a lie? Was Zachary a lie?”

“That’s not fair!” I shouted at him. “You’ve always known who I am. And I have tried to change myself. I’ve tried to be a good wife and a good Mother but now I am left with nothing and I cannot pretend to be that person anymore. Do you understand?” I screamed the words into the living room and watched as he remained unreachable. He could never understand how hard I had tried to keep these feelings at bay. The nights I had laid beside him feeling like a traitor, feeling like a caged animal, for the thoughts that would run through my mind. For years I had hated the way she made me feel. For years I had hidden from who I was and now that I had lost Zachary I didn’t want a life that was half lived. 

“We are married. We love each other. Esti I know that you have faith” He came to me and held my face in his hands, tenderly stroking my cheeks. I shook my head in his grip. It felt wrong. It was jarring to be held in his hands when hours ago Ronit’s delicate, small, hands had felt like comfort. I broke free from his touch and walked into the hallway, reaching the staircase I climbed it with Dovid remaining at the bottom of the stairs.

I walked into the bedroom and sat down on the edge of the bed feeling drained by my tears. I could hear Dovid wailing and I buried my face in my hands and cried deeply. I cried messily, hands tugging at my own hair, face a motion of damp tears and urgent pressing hands. I cried for the last moments I would spend in my home and I cried for Dovid. I cried for the hurt I was causing him. He was a good man. He had been loving and patient and kind. He had given me a beautiful son and we had lost him together. I knew I was leaving him with nothing. How could I do this to him?

Ronit

I stood outside of the hotel full of nervous energy and swaying slightly from the aftermath of one whiskey too many. 

“Get a grip Ronit” I told myself. “Pull it together” I took a cigarette out of my pocket and noticed my hands were shaking. I willed myself to hold the cigarette calmly between two fingers for long enough to light the sodding thing. The tip lingered in the lit flame and I breathed in heavily, smoke curling into the air in streams.

It had been hours and despite my efforts to distract myself I was beginning to lose hope. After the first whiskey I’d sat searching for flights to New York picturing our journey over the skies. Had Esti even been on a plane before? Would she be a nervous flyer? I pictured myself holding her hands in my own, reassuring her that it was just turbulence. Maybe she’d fall asleep with her head against my shoulder? I imagined landing in the city that had become my home over the years. We’d catch a taxi and I’d tell her the usual spiel about how you had to refer to them as cabs in New York. We’d go back to my apartment and I’d worry about the state I’d left it in. She’d be shell shocked. Of course she would be. After all she was making such a monumental step. So monumental that after the second whiskey it made sense that she might lose her nerve. Would Dovid beg her to stay? I remembered how broken he had been the last time I had seen him. I could still see him in my mind’s eye gripping Esti tenderly around her waist. 

I leaned against the brick of the hotel walls and smoked my cigarette until it reached my fingertips the heat seeping into my skin. When she had left it had been the morning and now the day was winding its way into the afternoon. People hungry for breakfast had become frazzled, seeking out nourishment in short lunch breaks. Now people were leaving work, their ties loosened, heels swapped for comfortable shoes. I couldn’t bear to watch the sun begin to set on this day and so I walked down to the nearest corner shop and bought a bottle of red wine. The shop worker spoke but I went through the motions of conversation feeling a sense of melancholy setting in. After the third whiskey I’d become fretful, imagining Esti returning to find me drunk and rambling. She’d be disappointed. She’d think I wasn’t strong enough, that I’d run again. The idea of her returning felt like a pipe dream and all I wanted was to be alone, to wait for the phone call I knew she’d make. She’d phone, she’d phone once Dovid had gone to sleep. Once the dust had settled she’d stand in that hallway with the phone gripped to her ear and her voice tentative, reproachful. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

I woke much later with a throbbing at my temples and an empty wine bottle tucked under my arms. The phone was ringing. It rang and rang and rang. At first I simply sat up and stared at the offending phone. I couldn’t bear to answer it. The darkness of the room was a telling indictment of her ultimate decision. 

Hesitantly I answered. “Hello?”  
“Ronit”  
I closed my eyes to the sound of her plagued voice. “Yes”  
“I’m downstairs. They wouldn’t let me in with the key card”  
“Oh!” I exclaimed feeling the full force of my emotions giving way in a burst of relief. I clutched my hand to my chest my mouth beaming with a wide smile.  
“I’m sorry it’s so late” She apologised as I scrambled to put on some clothes. I flicked on the lights to the room and looked at my reflection in the mirror. “I’m sure you thought I wasn’t coming”   
I wiped away wine stained lips and tried to do the best I could with my smudged eyes. Sleep had driven away most of the tell-tale signs of crying. “I did a bit” I admitted.  
“Don’t put the phone down” She urged as I closed the door to the hotel room. “I want to hear where you are”  
“I’m right here” I assured her as I practically ran to the lift. I pressed a button cursing under my breath as each agonising moment passed by.  
“I did it” She whispered and I could hear the nervous anticipation in her voice. There was an excitement but underneath I could register the surprise, the shock in her own decision.   
“It’s ok” I promised her as the lift began its descent to the ground floor. “It’s ok for you to be happy Esti. You deserve to be happy”  
The doors pinged open and she was stood by the reception area. She was carrying one small bag and she looked exhausted, utterly drained, but still when she saw me she smiled a beautiful, sublime, smile that made my entire body awash with a sea of goosebumps. I couldn’t register anybody else as I stepped towards her and wrapped her in my arms, marvelling at the feel of her. I touched her face, fingertips lightly tracing the outline of her cheekbones, the delicate slope of her nose, the curve of her mouth. I wanted to kiss her so badly that I could picture the image of it over and over again in rapid precision but I knew that I had to take things slowly.   
“Take me upstairs?” She whispered into my ear as I held her against me.


	10. Chapter 10

Esti

I couldn’t explain it, not even to myself, but I felt infinitely changed in the short journey to the floor which housed our hotel room. As the floors ticked by I felt my sorrow unburdened, slipping away from me like ice melting into pools of water. I felt free. I felt real. I felt like I could be swallowed in this moment with her and I would die happily, content in the knowledge that I had finally found the courage to be hers. I knew that I was caught up in the romance of it all, knew that in days the past might catch up with me sending my emotions into freefall, but I didn’t care. For the first time in months I felt like I was truly awake. I gripped her in my arms so tightly that I knew I had dug my nails into her skin.   
“Ronit” I breathed into her ear holding her tightly to me and burying my face in her long soft hair. “My beautiful Ronit”

The lift opened and reluctantly I slipped out of her arms holding her hand in my own and leading her to the hotel room door. She fumbled with the key and I could see the element of surprise in her gaze. She was studying me with fascination reading my expression with both caution and intrigue. As I watched her walk through the doorway the thought struck me that I could look at her unabashedly, kiss her, hold her hand, make love to her until the early hours of the morning without reproach. All those years of being starved to the point that any crumb of contact felt like a feast. 

“What are you thinking Esti?” She was puzzled and she sat on the edge of the bed arms holding her casual frame with a look of curiosity in her eyes.

I closed the door behind me and crossed the short distance to where she was waiting so that my legs lightly touched hers. “I’m thinking of all the things I want to do with you” I ran my fingers through her hair and her eyes were locked onto mine with an intensity that seemed to pass through us both. I slipped on to her lap, immediately enveloped in her waiting arms. The sudden close proximity made my skin flush with goosebumps. I rested my head in the crook of her neck and breathed in the smell of her perfume, warmed by the familiar striking scent. She wrapped her arms around me and we stayed like this, entwined together with nothing but the ticking of a clock and the gentle thud of her heart beat. We were content, more than content, just to be like this together. It was a welcome calm. A moment in which even my anxious, racing, mind couldn't ruin.

I popped open the buttons of her shirt, one by agonising one. As the shirt slipped apart my fingers grazed the delicate softness of her taut stomach. I kissed her. Just one brief absent kiss and then my hands busied themselves, taking my willing mouth with them, slipping her shirt from her shoulders to leave her in nothing but a silken bra. She watched me through hooded eyes, taking in the image of my mouth on her skin and closing her eyes, almost in wanting to savour the moment and remember it. Gently I pushed her down on to the bed.  
I had been numb for so long and now I had closed the door on my old life. It was as though my emotions had been held back, relegated to a part of me that had felt untouchable, but they were coming back to me now. With every hungry kiss, every taste of her lips, I felt an intoxicating mix of desire, excitement, and love coursing through me. I needed her to feel it. I needed to feel her under me her body a soft, warm, reminder that this moment was real.

“Esti” She practically purred, smoothing my hair behind my ears and watching me closely as I stilled, sitting on top of her with our hands linked. 

I placed a fingertip to her plump bottom lip and she kissed it with a feather light touch so delicate and yet I felt it in every part of my body. Just the suggestion was enough to make me sigh into the confines of the room. I felt like I was in a dream. She held my hands tightly in her own and wrestled me to the bed until I felt the pressure of the surface beneath me. She slid onto me, her mouth leaving mine to gasp for air. Her heart beat madly in response to my own drumming heart and we paused, eyes meeting as the sound of our ragged breathing carried through the silence of the room. She looked down at me, held up by her arms, her tumbling hair fell across her face and her twinkling hazel eyes were alive. "You're beautiful" she whispered. Her eyes were swimming and in that moment it was all that mattered. Her eyes fluttered shut, long lashes cushioned against soft skin. I brought my hands up, cupping her cheeks, the tips of my thumbs content to simply trace circles on the surface of her beautiful cheeks. Not able to stand it any longer I drew her to me, my lips crashing against her mouth with a hungry desperation.  
       
"How do you always make me feel so much" I asked but it sounded like an accusation. Maybe it was? In this moment I felt like I wanted her so badly that I could barely stand it.  
       
"Because we’re the same" she answered breathlessly. She placed a hand, palm down, on top of my chest. "Because we feel the same"  
The hand on my chest slid towards my neck, fingers softly tracing the shape, drinking in the feel of it. My body responded to her touch and I writhed beneath her desperate for even crumbs of contact. She kissed me, long, slow, deep kisses that made me groan into her. I wanted her more than I ever had and I wrapped my arms around her crushing our bodies together, a moan unfolding from her lips. She tore her lips away, planting brief kisses along my collar bone, hands distracted as they ran a path along the length of my body, which came alive, screaming in response. When she kissed my navel I slipped my hands into her thick brunette curls in anticipation. Then there was nothing, nothing but the sounds storming through my head and the groans that poured out from somewhere in the hollow of my throat. It was all I could do to breathe.  
Ronit

 

Bubbles formed a blanket on the surface of the bathwater clinging to her soft, pale, skin and bursting with the contact. ‘What a way to go’ I thought as she playfully dipped her head under the water resurfacing with closed eyes.   
“I like this” She told me as I refilled her glass with champagne. The bubbles rose to the surface in a rush and streamed from the top of her glass onto her chest.   
“So do I” I said with a wink moving forward to taste the spilt champagne on her naked skin. I lapped at the froth with my mouth, placing a single solitary kiss against her chest, before settling back to admire the view.  
“It feels ordinary. It feels like something we’ll do again and again”  
I smiled at her unable to keep the thoughts of future bath times from my growing smile. “I should hope so”  
She chuckled, playfully kicking me underwater with a foot. “Do you have a bath in your apartment?” She enquired her hand resting against my knee, stroking it fondly.  
I drank down a healthy glug of champagne. It occurred to me that Esti knew nothing of the life she was about to join. What a gamble she was making for me. “I do. And it’s bigger than this” I promised her. “I hope that you’ll be comfortable there. I want it to be your home too” I insisted and I meant it. I wanted her shape to take hold in the apartment. I wanted to see my bedroom littered with her clothing. I wanted to come home from work to find a used cup on the kitchen surface top, her shoes left absently in the hallway. I wanted her to be there.  
She seemed to consider this deeply and I watched as her playful smile became a look of seriousness. “Ronit…I…I’ve saved money over the years. I’m not sure why. Even after Zachary was born I continued to put money aside. It’s not much. It’s something, but not enough to start a life with…” She trailed off as I shook my head continuously to the point that my eyes began to blur.  
“Esti, the money isn’t important. Things will work themselves out” I assured her squeezing both knees for empathasis.  
“I don’t want to be some kind of burden on you in anyway” She replied with her head bowed, just slightly, in sadness.  
“Esti how can you think that?” I gasped slipping forward so that I was on my knees and gripping her face in my hands. She wouldn’t look me in the eye but I was determined to convey how much I wanted this. “I live a comfortable life. I can take care of us both until you decide what you want to do” I kissed her with a sense of urgency and my hands gripped her cheeks so that when I pulled away her lips were framed into the shape on an O.   
“But what will I do?” She wondered aloud.   
“Anything! Esti you can do anything. But the important thing is that we’re together. We’re. Together. Could you ever have dreamed this would be possible? That we’d be flying out to New York. Both of us. All those years of waiting and wanting and now it’s happening” I couldn’t help myself. I was excited and it showed in the way I gestured with my hands and the way my voice had heightened.  
“No” She admitted but I could still hear a tinge of uncertainty.   
“I know this is scary. It’s a big step and I’m not saying it’s all going to be plain sailing but please…please give yourself this moment to be happy” I cupped a cheek in the palm of my hand and she nodded against the contact. 

Tonight was our last night in London. We had been hidden away in this hotel room for long days and nights and yet I did not want to leave it. It felt like the birthplace of the beginning our life together.

I’d left the lamp on the bedside on and it radiated a gentle light that cast shadows across the white walls of the room. Long after our fingertips had become pruned by soaking in warm water we had moved into the bedroom and I had towelled Esti down with soft white mopping at her skin delicately. She lay before me now naked and lit by the backdrop of cotton white sheets. She was perfect and I took my time to appreciate every curve and every line. I didn’t know how long I’d spent simply admiring her body but I noted how comfortable she looked under my gaze. My hands smoothed the outline of her hips wanting to adorn the touch to memory. I touched her stomach, the line from her navel to the swell of her breasts. Kissing each one I heard and felt that familiar sharp intake of breath which told me how her body responded to my touch. Laying my body alongside hers I traced invisible patterns along her collar bone as we kissed long, lingering kisses that began with longing and became smouldering, intense, kisses that pulled at my desire with an expert touch. Nobody had ever made me feel the way she did. Memories, fragments of so many encounters, so many kisses, flashed before me. The first time she kissed me with the wind whipping at our faces and our eyes filled with surprise and intrigue. The first time I dared to taste her and gave way to my fears that I’d be a horrible, awful, mess. The first time she slipped inside of me and I experienced the thrill of her hand covering my mouth with a cautious mouth whispering that we needed to be quiet. It tumbled around in my head weaving with the feel of her hands slipping between my legs as I mirrored her actions. Remember? My mind begged the question. Remember the last time we were in a hotel room together unsteady on our feet and swaying in this midst and throes of passion? Now we were grounded but we were still desperate in our desire for each other. I could feel it in the way she nipped at the skin at my neck and the way I sought out her willing mouth kissing her with unbridled passion. We were electric. The feel of her arching inside of me, the feel of her wetness against me almost too much. I didn’t know how much longer I could hold off. I was reaching the point of losing control and I urged myself to focus through the incoming tide, to make her feel everything I was feeling. Then she was melting honey, gentle cries slipping from the confines of her perfect mouth providing a soundtrack to our passion. We gripped each other and I felt myself shaking all over from head to toe my mind caught in the sensation of waves. She kissed me through the fog and it brought me back down to earth registering the warmth of her body wrapped in mine, limbs tangled as we lay still waiting for our hearts to return to a normal rhythm.   
“I could do anything” She remarked wistfully. She propped herself up on an elbow and the expression on her face was utterly transfixing. She had that beautiful, sated, afterglow and affectionately stroked her face. “I’ve been through the worst…” That solid grief flashing by momentarialy. “…and I do not want to be afraid any longer”  
“And if you are then I’m here” I reminded her and in a way I reminded myself that we were now together and my life would be changing beyond recognition. I wouldn’t face lonely, restless, 2am’s where I’d lay in bed thinking about what should have been.   
She smiled at me a small, soft, smile that warmed me from within. “And I’m happy”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you for your wonderful feedback. Glad to know you're still enjoying reading this.

Esti

The airport was a homing beacon alighting my path with white and chrome. Everywhere I looked there were people milling about. I decided they could be described in three camps. The tired overworked business flyers whose exhaustion was evident in the bags under their eyes and the sheer volume of black coffee they drank. Then there were the excited travellers. Young lovers beginning their first foray into exploration. Families who chattered excitedly, pursuing the multitude of shops in order to cram as much holiday fun into their journeys as possible. And the passengers who looked shell shocked by their decision to take that flight, to make that journey into the unknown. I didn't know which passenger I was but I knew that my eyes were amazed by everything they saw. My eyes were on stalks and they drank everything in with that late morning thirst. 

"Are all airports like this?" I marvelled.

"All of the big ones"

"But Ronit, why on earth would anybody need to buy such things?" I asked in disbelief as we passed the third shop selling overpriced handbags.

"Because they can darling" She replied with a teasingly smooth smile. I replayed the way she called me darling dozens of times before I realised that she was speaking and I was too wrapped up in a new term of endearment to notice. 

"Sorry?"

"Shall we get something to eat? And more importantly something to drink?"

"More importantly?"

Her eyes were dancing now and she linked arms with me conspiratorially. "Oh yes" She insisted drawing out the word yes for an extra beat. "It's essential flying etiquette"

"Essential flying etiquette?" I repeated the words with scepticism.

"Absolutely. Airports completely reverse the rules of casual drinking. For example, drinking at 10am on an everyday week? Problematic. Drinking in the airport lounge at 10am while you await your flight? Completely acceptable. More than acceptable it's necessary. Absolutely necessary. In fact it prepares the mind and body for flying"

I spluttered at this before chuckling. "Well if it's necessary" 

She bumped shoulders with me playfully and I warmed at this excitable side of her. I knew that she had been nervous. Knew that she had tossed and turned throughout the night, likely fretting over the likelihood that I would be catching this flight with her. Did she expect me to dramatically pause at the check out counter before exclaiming that I just could not do this. Worse yet did she hold any of the same fears as I did? That Dovid would someone sense my departure and arrive at the airport to stop me from leaving. Would it have changed anything? As she pulled me into a bar and I noticed the way she smiled so broadly I couldn't imagine anything could change my decision. 

"We have to have some kind of tacky cocktail. Some sort of concoction masquerading as a breakfast item just because it contains orange juice" She rambled on as we slid into an oversized red booth. The seat was plastic and sticky and I wondered if this too was part of the flying experience. 

Minutes later two tumblrs of alcohol sat before us. An umbrella tilted to the side looking sorry for itself as it snared a glacier cherry in its path. "It's absolutely going to be vile but..."

"It's all part of the flying experience?"

She nodded her head with her eyes closed in mock agreement. "You've got it! You're catching on" 

We drank down the overly sweet liquid and winced in unison at its disagreeable flavour. 

"Are you nervous Esti!" She asked with a straw tucked between her pouting lips.

"Yes. Are you?"

She drained the last of her cocktail noisily. "I'm shitting myself"

There was a momentary pause before we both burst into fits of laughter. I glanced around at the bar checking the coast was clear before I placed my hand over hers noting how perfectly they fit together. "Tell me about your life in New York"

"I live in a apartment complex. It's pretty central and I work irregular patterns. Sometimes long days, many late nights and early mornings. I love my job but sometimes I think I work so hard because Ive been hiding from the past" 

"From me?"

"And my family. And the life I used to have. I've made a good life for myself now but I've always imagined you in it. I sort of day dreamed about you being in my apartment with me, about opening my wardrobe and having your clothes in there, toothbrush in the bathroom. That sort of thing" 

"I like the sound of that"

"Me too" She smiled and I felt her fingertips curling around the back of my hand. "We could make a good life for ourselves" 

I wanted to imagine that too. I had dreamt of a life with her. But things were different now. I was a different person and I was beginning a life with her with a heavy heart. Nevertheless I was invested in the daydreams becoming a reality. I thought about those irregular hours. She'd come home in the early hours of the morning and despite her insistence that I didn't wait up for her I'd be asleep on the sofa under the softness of a blanket. She'd sit down next to me smelling of the night and the outside and she'd kiss me tenderly adoring the way sleep clung to my addled mind. Then we'd go to bed together slipping under the covers with our bodies fitting together neatly. 

"I want that life together" I replied with all the comfort I found in my musing. 

Ronit 

We left the airport in a mob of people who darted to and fro with their luggage clutched in their hands in a vice grip. Esti and I stood out with nothing more than a small bag in our hands. She was here. Here in New York with nothing more than a backpack of contents. I couldn't quite believe Esti had made such a brave step. I was bewildered but I knew I had to be calm even if I felt utterly beside myself.

Outside there was a cacophony of sound emanating from the rolling traffic. Yellow cabs darted like fireflies signaling their arrival with tooting horns. 

I gripped Esti closer noticing how her eyes had widened in searching. She was looking around frantically taking it all in with an expression which suggested she was overwhelmed. "Let's get a taxi" I suggested guiding her to a yellow cab which was pulled up at the pavement. 

The cab driver climbed out of his car and muttered a greeting before taking our bags and putting them in the boot. Esti remained numbly silent as I ushered her into the cab. 

"Where to?" The driver asked through the barrier of glass. The engine roared to life and I told him the address relieved that he wasn't interested in making idle chit chat. 

"It's not too far" I told her but she was looking out of the window gazing at the surroundings almost shell shocked. 

'She's bound to find it strange' my inner voice reminded me. Give her time. But I struggled with the weight of her happiness. I knew she had come willingly but was I expecting her to give up too much? Perhaps I should have stayed in London with her. We could have built a life together there which might not have been so daunting. I thought of bumping into a few ghosts from my past and the thought made me shudder. Perhaps we rushed into this? 

"Here's fine" I told the driver looking at the meter. I paid the fee and left a tip thanking him as I left the taxi and zipped round to Esti's side, opening the door for her. I took both bags in my hands and lead Esti towards the apartment complex. 

"It's almost like the hotel" She remarked with her eyes scanning the sprawling expanse. It was the first time she had spoken in over an hour and the sound of her voice, no matter how tentative, undid a knot of tension in my chest. 

"I'm practically on the top floor but there is a lift" I assured her. "There's a balcony" I added, holding the door open for her. 

We stepped into the snug confines of the lift the floor alighting green to signal our journey upwards. She stood beside me and remained silent. I could see the cogs turning in her head and I didn't know how to stop the frantic thoughts which were running through my mind. I'd convinced myself that I was doing this to her. That it was my fault that she was here, in this lift, skin pale and eyes wide in apprehension. 

The lift doors opened and I directed her to my apartment door. Despite the tension I couldn't help but feel that familiar sense of comfort at coming home. Maybe one day she'd stand at this door and feel the same way? 

I unlocked the door and waited. She stood in the doorway and inhaled. Glancing over her shoulder at me I could see a faint smile curling the corners of her mouth. It made my heart stop with the hope this one simple action signalled. "It's you" She whispered. "It's already you" 

She stepped into the apartment like a startled deer walking through the hallway with her arms outstretched to trail along the painted walls. She stopped to examine photographs that were mounted haphazardly along the exposed brick. "Are these yours?" She asked stroking the images fondly. 

I joined her. "That was my first published piece" 

"It's beautiful" She whispered before moving along the hallway. She breezed through the apartment in a daze, stopping in the kitchen to touch cabinets, cupboards and an espresso cup which had carelessly been left out on the countertop as I'd packed in haste. She barely spoke and I did not press her but joined her in her exploration of the apartment.

"I knew your bedroom would be like this" She marvelled, pausing in the doorframe to linger a little longer. 

She sat down on my bed and I fought a mental battle to really register the fact that she was here sitting in my room. The first and the last person I had ever loved sitting on my grey cotton sheets and my unmade bed. "I'm so tired Ronit" She announced gazing longingly at the bed. I didn't know if she was tired in this moment or if it were a graver observation. 

"Your not used to traveling" I acknowledged as I moved to crouch in front of her. I slipped her shoes off one by one. "It gets easier" I added slipping off her socks. She stroked my hair smoothing loose curls behind each ear as I eased her trousers along her hips and past her ankles.

"I don't want to get used it" She admitted. She pulled her jumper up and over her head and removed her underwear until she was sat before me completely undressed and looking so small against the backdrop of my large bed. "Will you stay with me?" She asked with a palpable fear in her tone. 

Hurriedly I undressed laying beside her with my naked skin kissing the coolness of cotton sheets. I pulled the covers up and over our heads so that we lay closer than skin in a constructed cocoon. "I'm right here" I assured her. She laid her head against my chest and in a matter of minutes I knew sleep had taken her. When I looked down she bore the expression of a sleeping child, bottom lip pressed out in protest. I didn't think I would sleep. I wanted to enjoy having her in my arms without time limits or ending periods. How many nights and mornings had I laid in this bed dreaming of this exact scenario? And here she was, warm body pressed against mine, the reassuring pattern of her heartbeat at my breast and the tickle of her breathing again my neck. No I didn't think I would sleep but when my eyes opened to a room of darkness I knew that I had been much more tired than I had admitted. 

When I woke she was no longer in my bed and I remained motionless but for the blinking of my sleep heavy eyes. I sat up and rubbed my face with both hands wondering if I had dreamt the whole thing.

"There's so much happening" She remarked standing by the bedroom windows to gaze down at the traffic below. Her beautiful curves were illuminated by the glow of street lights framing her naked silhouette. "And yet it's so quiet"

"Is it too quiet Esti?"

"I like it" She decided. "The juxtaposition of it all. It makes me feel like there's life outside of these four walls but that we decide when to find it" 

"I like being up high. I like to observe" I conveyed joining her at the window sill. 

"It's the creative person in you" She beamed greeting me with eyes that seemed to pull me in and leave me breathless with their intensity. "I feel so much" She conceded closing her eyes. 

I wrapped an arm around her shoulders and she slumped into my touch so that I felt as if I were holding her up. "It's overwhelming" I admitted. 

"I don't know how I feel" she mused and her face became conflicted. "I feel so happy..." She trailed off and gripped me hard, so hard that her hands dug into the skin of my arms. "I feel utterly lost in you. Like I'm drowning. No matter how many years we've been apart I've always felt connected to you. The moments we've shared, the intensity, it's been an invisible tie to you and now I'm here...I don't quite trust myself" 

I was dumbfounded by this. I registered the words and they shocked me to the core because they could have been collected from my very thoughts. "You don't trust yourself?" I echoed. 

"When I'm with you I feel like I have no control" She admitted. 

"It's ok to let go Esti. You've had to have so much self-control in your life. Has it made you happy?"

She shook her head. "Moments of happiness but always with a heavy price to pay" 

"Then let yourself be happy" I implored gripping her shoulders. "You don't have to have control. You're here. You're here with me and you don't have to be anybody but your self" 

She nodded her head and I knew she was mulling over things in her head. It would take time. 

"Can we eat?" She asked suddenly. "I'm starved" 

Esti

Ronit said that New York was a city that didn't sleep. I could relate to it's relentless drive to keep its eyes awake for fear that it might miss a single thought. For months sleepless nights felt like a penance for loss but now I didn't want to sleep because I wanted to lose myself in the gentle curve of Ronit's cheek, in the way her mouth pursed in sleep. 

"I love this place" Ronit had beamed excited to be back in the streets of New York. She'd gripped my hand and pulled me towards a pizza shop. "After a late night shoot I come here" 

We ducked into the pizza bar and she greeted a young man at the counter like an old friend. "Ronnie" He greeted her with a smile. "Working late again?"

"Not today" 

"Pleasure not business?" He enquired smiling at me with a charming smile that came directly from the eyes. 

He couldn't have known but the word pleasure made my cheeks flush ever so slightly. For a brief moment I felt that sinking feeling of being caught out. 

"Purely pleasure" Ronit teased. 

"The usual? And for you?" He addressed me. 

I glanced at Ronit in surprise. It was as if I lacked the ability to speak or form an opinion. I spluttered and Ronit came to my rescue. "We'll share a pizza and make it two beers" She answered with that easy charm that seemed to come naturally. 

"I'll bring it over" He replied and I was grateful to hear the door open drawing his attention away from us. 

She directed us towards a booth and I sat facing her feeling my awkwardness beginning to drain as I looked at her under the harsh lights of the pizza shop. She looked radiant. I knew she was excited to have me here and it made me feel wanted. 

"I've sat here so many nights. Alone. Now you'll be here with me" She affirmed. "You could meet me after work. It could be a new tradition"

I smiled broadly. I could picture it in my head. I'd be more confident by then. I'd be sat in this booth after ordering 'our usual' and Ronit would bound in tired from a hard days work but excited to see me. "I'd like that" 

"We could be tourists tomorrow?" She suggested. 

A large pizza was hastily placed in front of us as the pizza shop began to fill with people. I watched the bottles of beers as the tops were prized off and a hand towel mopped at spilt beer suds. The smell of the pizza made my stomach grumble in anticipation. The thin crust curled ever so slightly at the edges and I breathed in the smell with a groan of satisfaction. She watched me with a wink. 

"Heaven" She groaned as she grabbed a slice of pizza, wincing at the heat as she took a hearty bite. I watched her enjoying her food. I still cherished the simple things. 

Taking a slice in my hands I took a bite and groaned in delight. How long had it been since I'd had a hot meal in my belly? I thought back to the dinners I'd prepared for Dovid. We'd sit in silence and I'd push the food around my plate barely eating a mouthful. Now I inhaled the slice of pizza with gusto. It felt like the taste of New York. My very first meal in my new home. 

"What do you think? Of course I'll be crushed if it isn't the best piece of pizza you've ever eaten" 

"It's perfect" I cooed but I was talking about more than just the pizza. She grinned from ear to ear at my words. 

"We should do a toast!" She exclaimed picking up her beer bottle and instructing me with a raised brow to do the same. 

I picked up my beer bottle feeling completely smitten by her childish excitement. "To new traditions" She announced.

"To new traditions" I echoed clinking my beer bottle neck against hers. We both drank a healthy glug of beer and happily tucked into the pizza. 

 

"Are you cold?" Ronit asked as we walked the pavements back to her apartment. Or was it our apartment? I didn't feel like it belonged to me yet.

"I'm fine" I insisted but my chattering teeth gave me away. 

"You're cold" She confirmed slipping out of her jacket to drape it on me despite my lame protestations. I liked the feel of her jacket around my shoulders and enjoyed the way her perfume clung to me like a second skin. She was being so charming that I allowed myself to link an arm with hers silencing the doubters in my head. If people knew we were in love in this moment I didn't care. Instead I walked in comfortable silence arm in arm with Ronit as we made our way to the apartment complex. 

In the lift she kissed me and I felt the butterflies in my stomach rise like a storm. It was late and we were alone. I clung to her like a wet leaf the gentle pressure of her kiss like soft melting joy to my senses. When the lift doors opened I was in no hurry to part from her sweet mouth. Instead I drowned in one last lingering kiss not caring if another soul were watching us. 

Inside she poured two glasses of red wine and we sat on the sofa with the muted light of a lamp. She draped a wooden blanket, hanging over the arm of the chair, over us and I cuddled in closer. 

"I know you have to get back to work" I concurred hidden in the safety of her warmth. 

"Not right away" She assured me. "It can wait"

I drank down a mouthful of red wine. "I know it can and believe me I'd love nothing more than to spend weeks in your arms but this isn't a honeymoon period. We need to start living a life and I need to see myself here, with you. I need to know that I can cope" 

She nodded her head but she was stunned into silence. She kissed the top of my head. "You amaze me" She whimpered and I could see the tears starting in her eyes. "A few more days. I'll take a few more days and then I'll go back"


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As always thank you for such wonderful comments. I really appreciate your feedback and am glad you're still interested in the story. I've sort of just fudged some aspects e.g I have no idea how complex it would be for Esti to actually move to New York or get a visa (if she could even get a visa) so I'm just acting like it wouldn't be a problem! I normally cringe a bit at invented characters but in this case I haven't had much choice as we never meet Ronit's friends in the film. Hopefully it's at least believable! Thanks again for reading.

Ronit

The next few days passed by blissfully. We were learning how to be with each other. Some things had remained the same as they were in our teenage years. Esti still hummed a tune while she brushed her teeth and she still fell asleep on one side limbs tucked in like a sleeping child. Esti played the same games and indulged in the same trips down memory lane. 

"You haven't changed" She remarked one morning as she surveyed the madness of the kitchen. "Still starting three jobs at once and no closer to finishing any of then!" She jibed but there was a honeyed softness in her smile as she patiently cleaned the surface tops. 

"I'm making you breakfast in bed!" I argued before sticking my tongue out petulantly.

"You're making a mess!" She countered, relentingly making her way back into the bedroom. 

Today was a different day. Today I would be flying solo and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. My mind fleeted between guilt and the blues. I worried about Esti. Things were so raw, so fragile, and I thought about what time alone could do to her. I guess deep down I worried that the time spent thinking would remind Esti of all the things she'd left behind. Maybe she'd think about Zachary? Maybe she'd slip into melancholy and I wouldn't be able to anchor her. I knew it was selfish but I wanted so badly to make her happy that I didn't want to think of her in a moment of pain. 

I looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror. 'Pain is necessary' I reminded myself. In loss pain is absolute, it rages like a wildfire but after the hurt and the chaos it gives new life a chance to blossom. It made me think of how, in many ways, she had healed me after my father had died. She'd given me a chance to believe that I could feel something again. 

Esti was still sleeping soundly and I fretted over whether or not to say goodbye. I found that I kissed her every time I left a room. She adored it, expected it now. 

"You're softer" She whispered in my ear as I leaned down to kiss her before I got a drink from the kitchen. "It's wonderful" 

But the truth was that I was clingy, cloying, and I had undeniably fallen hook line and sinker for her and it was changing me in ways I hadn't anticipated. I found that I spent an inordinate amount of time simply watching her. It gave me life to watch as she idly stumbled around the apartment with a sense of inquisitiveness. She'd stroke the hallway walls and I'd imagine she'd be conjuring thoughts of the life I'd had before her. In the bedroom she poured over photos, memorised the feel of shirts hanging in my wardrobe and eagerly digested magazines my pictures had been published in. 

"I saved as much of your work as I could find" She admitted, sitting cross legged on the bedroom floor with magazines splayed open. "I even had a few of these" 

Tip-toeing into the darkened bedroom I could hear Esti's gentle sounds of slumber. She had moved over onto my side and was gripping my pillow with an arm underneath. 

The clock on the bedside table read 3am. I blinked back the tiredness in my eyes. Normally on these early morning shifts I'd still have the fog of a late night evening over me. I'd brush my teeth and force down a shot of espresso to kick start my adrenaline. This morning I sat beside her in bed and snatched a few last glances before I kissed her temple and left with a sigh. 

Navigating the underground was second nature to me now. I loved it. Especially in these barely morning days when I could sit back and people watch with my shades lowered and a coffee nestled in my hands. I pictured Esti on the underground. Her eyes would be the size of teacups. I smiled at how amazed she was by everything. It reminded me of how little notice I'd started taking of my surroundings. 

I'd read little of the brief for this shoot. I found i got the best results when I was thrown into the thick of things. The nerves and the excitement blended together and bled their way into my work. 

"Ronnie!" Samuel greeted me like a long lost friend. "Glad you could finally join us" He challenged with a cigarette teetering between his mouth. He was sizing up the finished makeup on a model who looked like she'd emerged from a blazing fire. 

"I thought I had better make sure you remember my face" I hit back rummaging for a cigarette from my jacket pocket. 

"Where'd you disappear to this time?"

"Just a brief stop in London" I lit the cigarette and took a long deep breath in. The smoke burned my lungs. 

"London?! Anymore sudden trips abroad planned? Maybe I'm paying you too much" He mumbled through lips which were deftly holding onto a disappearing cigarette, his hands occupied with tearing buttons from a shirt. 

"And yet you keep booking me!" 

"I'm a glutton for punishment. Set up so we can catch the sunrise" 

As I set up my equipment I had a moment to dwell on things. I realised that I had a nagging fear that somehow having Esti here and feeling so content would stop me from working. I'd had a friend who painted the most breathtaking pieces. He'd paint in a trance, when the moment caught him, bare chested and working long through the night. We shared an apartment when I first moved to New York and I'd wake in the morning to find him still working and the living room was in total disarray. One of my first published pieces was of him wide eyed and coffee rattled wearing a uniform of paint smatter. But then he fell in love with a Dutch tourist and seemingly lost his passion for painting overnight. I guess in a way I'd always associated love with sacrifice. 

"Ronnie!" Samuel bellowed. "Did you lose your head in London?" 

I craned my neck towards him and lit another cigarette. "Maybe I did" 

"I'll believe it when I see it" 

When the shoot had finished I sat packing up my camera and smoking a cigarette. Samuel was leaning casually against a wall watching me. 

"Dee and a couple of the others are going for a beer" He remarked rubbing at the back of his neck to ease away the tension of the day. 

"Can't" I replied through a train of smoke. 

"Impossible! When have you ever been known to turn down a drink?" He exclaimed drawing the attention of our friend Dee who was washing makeup brushes. 

"Now I know you were born aloof but what is happening? You don't call, you don't write, you jet off to London" Dee postured with her hands on her hips. 

I batted them away dismissively. "Let's just say I brought somebody back with me from London"

Both friends circled me with wide eyes. "Who? What does he do? When did it happen?" Dee rambled asking a different question per second. 

I cleared my throat. My friends were no strangers to the fact that I had been with women. And I had been with women. Many women but I guess I'd always been too afraid to begin anything with them. It was easier with boyfriends. The intensity, the emotions, were different. With men I could be aloof, I could be vague, I could do things on my own terms but with women I was lost in the intensity of it all. I felt an affinity with women. They reminded me of Esti and that comparison alone was enough to drive me far away from any kind of commitment. Maybe I was waiting for her all along? 

"She" I answered. "Her names Esti. I've known her since I was a child" 

"Esti?" Dee repeated. "The Esti?"

"Am I missing something?" Samuel asked with a trace of outrage. 

“It’s sort of a secret…or it was I suppose” I explained with a shrug of my shoulders.

“Aren’t secrets supposed to be…secret?” Samuel huffed.

“That’s what happens when you're the designated driver on New Years” Dee interjected and in a split second I was transported back to that faithful New Years when I’d gotten so drunk that I’d spilled my heart out to Dee at four in the morning, while she attempted to navigate us back to my apartment. She’d held me up with all her might as I’d swayed like a branch caught in a breeze. “And now she’s here?”

“Yes” I lit another cigarette and scrutinised the confusion on their faces. I knew they’d be cautious, concerned even, and I knew I had kept them in the dark about so many parts of my past life but there was no way I could hide anything now. My past and my presents were collided into one bloody shit storm of a moment and I felt defensive about the look in their eyes.

“Isn’t it a little sudden Ronnie? You went back to London for a week and now she’s moved her whole life to New York?” Dee cautioned with a barely repressed wince.

“Maybe there’s more to it?” Samuel interrupted, throwing me an olive branch. “If they were in love? It’s kinda fucking romantic don’t you think?”

“Of course it’s sodding romantic but that doesn’t mean you’ve thought it all through. I hate to rain your parade. I want you to be happy. And I want you think rationally!”

“When have I ever been a rational person?” I asked and they both nodded their heads in agreement much to my chagrin. “It’s a lot to take in. I’m still getting used to it myself but I want you to meet her…eventually”

“Soon!” Dee insisted. “Very soon. I need to meet the woman whose managed to render you completely bonkers”

“And you will. She needs time to settle in. There’s a lot more to it but I’ll explain later” 

“What a fucking mystery you are Ronnie Curtis”

I chain smoked cigarettes as I walked the long way back to the apartment dodging the underground in favour of some fresh air. I was thinking about the fact that I had subconsciously compartmentalised my life in such a way that my past had been rendered a mystery to some of the people I was closest to. My past history, my Jewish upbringing, the disownment by my father, had all become nothing more than anecdotes I occasionally wheeled out at parties. I kept the past so flippant that it never occurred to anyone that I might be haunted by it. My relationship with Esti was no different. One of my closest friends had only heard her name uttered because I’d drank too much wine on a New Year’s eve. Even then I’d described her as an affair, as something that had happened in my teen years. When I’d returned from London all those years ago I’d been sick to the stomach with heartache but as soon as I stepped out of those apartment doors a fake smile had been painted on my face and I’d laughed and smoked and drank as if I didn’t have a care in the world.

"What a fucking mystery you are Ronit" I repeated. 

Esti

I woke to the sun slipping through a gap in the bedroom curtains. It created a shard of light that shone onto my face and I groaned pulling the soft sheets up and over my face. The bed, the house, everything smelled like Ronit and I basked in it wanting to draw it into me so it might impress itself on my senses forever. I laid back and enjoyed the feel of the sheets against my naked skin.

I had never woken with the day stretching ahead of me without reason. For years my life had been driven by order and routine. In some ways it was a comfort. It made me feel like I was achieving something and that moments were not wasted. After the scandal had broken out at the school I had been asked not to come back. Not wanting to fuel the flames I had relented and said goodbye to one of the only things I felt I really achieved in my life. I became a mother and that became a different sort of duty. It feels cliched, corny even, to describe motherhood as a calling but from the moment I brushed his tiny cheeks I knew that he was everything worthwhile in this world. He changed me and for a long while I was happy. I had learned to love Dovid in different ways through Zachary but I never felt the unsteady grip of passion. I never felt like I wanted him so badly that I might burst at the seams. Zachary's presence sealed the door on my desire and it was closed off until I started to think of her again. Now I felt the heavy throb of wanting her. It consumed me. It made a shiver of excitement run down my spine whenever she looked at me with those magnificent eyes, whenever she curved a perfect eyebrow in questioning. It clouded my mind and erased all the doubts, the guilt and the fear. I couldn’t anticipate a time when things would turn into a gentle simmer. No, our relationship had always been fraught with a sense of danger. We had existed in the shadows and our relationship had always felt exciting. At one stage I suppose it had been an affair of sorts. Now we were out in the open in the full glare of possibility and I while I felt a sting of apprehension at the enormity of it all I was also filled with hope. To feel hope after months of dread and despair was like the perfect anecdote.

I stretched a little in bed and thought about what to do with my day.

“Do whatever you want” Ronit had insisted before rattling off a host of things I might like to try. “Sit in central park and read a book. Or have breakfast on the balcony” 

She’d given me a phone and had punched in her number readily. “Call me whenever” She implored but I knew that I wouldn’t. Only in cases of emergencies. I wanted to think about her hard at work and deep in the thick of it. I would not call her. I did not want to depend on her to the point that she might feel suffocated. Then I thought about her returning to the apartment, about her dropping her things to the floor and greeting me with soft, warm, limbs and that perfect mouth. I would wait for her. I felt the cling of my old life and the desire to make an orderly home, to have a kitchen buzzing to life with a hot meal. Ronit would think it obligation, old fashioned, but I adored the tradition of it all. It wasn’t defined to gender, not now at least, but instead a desire to provide something of my own. Cooking felt almost ritualistic to me, kneading the bread, measuring the flour, cooking everything from scratch. I was learning which parts of my history were me and which parts had been constructed to keep away the real me. It made me consider how much I had questioned my faith since we lost Zachary and yet there were elements of it which I knew were dear to me. Would it be so wrong to keep a hold of the things I valued even if they reminded me of a time of when I felt alien even to myself?

Not wanting to dwell on things I got up and prepared breakfast for myself. I sat on the balcony with buttery toast and a cup of tea. Ronit waited for the toast to cool before buttering it. A simple fact but something I hadn’t known and I relished the thought of it like a precious stone. I desperately sought a sense of the ordinary. I longed to know so much about her that one day I could say that I knew her best. It was different for me. I was such a ghost in the eyes of the people who had known me the longest that I never really felt they knew the real me. In a weird sort of way I felt only Ronit knew the bones of me.

Today I would leave the apartment on my own. I was so terrified of these streets looking the same that I hadn’t dared to venture out without Ronit at my side but today I would step out of my comfort zone and explore a small patch of New York. Ever methodical I had envisioned a plan to simply walk in a circle around the apartment complex. I would make a note of my surroundings committing them to memory so that the next time I stepped out of those doors my circle would widen that much further.

Returning to the bedroom I stood in front of a floor length mirror and shed my robe. In the reflection I stood completely naked with my hair cut at an awkward length. Truth be told I felt naked without my wig. I didn’t know what to do with my hair and this feeling stretched to beyond my physical appearance. I didn’t know how to hold myself in this different world. I felt self-conscious about the clothes I used to wear but every time I dipped into Ronit’s wardrobe collection I’d try on an outfit for size and would feel like an imposter.

“Wear that” Ronit had confirmed with a serious air to the nod of her head. I’d tried on a green shirt and had begun to fuss with the buttons closer to my neck. She mouthed the beginning of a sentence but allowed it to die out in silence. I knew she was going to tell me not to be so modest but she stopped herself. “You look beautiful” She added instead. “The green makes your eyes sparkle” And then she was behind me with her arms wrapped around me and her neck resting on my shoulder blade. Her long tumbling hair fell in front of her face and I looked at our joined reflection in the mirror. I couldn’t see myself as being beautiful not unless I could read it in her eyes.

I stood in front of the mirror now and wondered what to wear. I was vastly running out of the meagre clothing I’d managed to stuff into a bag when I had hastily retreated from the home I’d shared with Dovid. ‘Wear mine. Wear anything you like’ Ronit had assured me. ‘We’ll get you a new wardrobe’ And I had delved into her clothing like an eager child feeling closer to her with every garment I tried on. But now I needed my own identity. I needed to think and choose for myself. Before I had dressed the way the community dressed. It was like wearing a uniform and I took little time to consider outfit choices. Always something modest, often something black. Then I would don my wig and feel like I was a part of something greater than myself. It left little room for creativity or imagination. When I looked at Ronit I envied the passion and the personality her clothing conveyed. Until I started thinking for myself I would only ever be playing a game of dress up. Dressing with the community in mind, dressing with Ronit in mind, now it had to be dressing with me in mind.

I slipped into some trousers and a white shirt of Ronit’s. She had worn this recently and there was a clumsy patch of lipstick on the cuff. It immediately conjured thoughts of her full, red lips, poised around a cigarette expertly. Was it wrong for me to find the act of her smoking a cigarette undeniably erotic? I kept the image in my mind as I put on a jacket ensuring the apartment keys were safely tucked away in a pocket. I closed the apartment door behind me and felt a strange sense of uncertainty as though I were disappearing into the unknown and the apartment foyer which I had passed many times. 

Outside the sun was warm but there was a chill in the air. I relished the feel of the breeze against my cheeks and stood outside the apartment for a moment simply soaking up the midday sun. Around the apartment there was a quiet, a stillness, which was erased in a matter of yards as the streets became bigger and the people flocked in their hundreds. It made the apartment feel like a cocoon, a moment of peace in a frantic city which was brimming with energy. I strolled easily and passed people who were en route to a different destination. They walked with purpose while I walked with ease amazed by how good it felt to be outside. I had shut myself away for so long after Zachary’s death and now I felt like I could really register my surroundings. 

As I turned a corner I found a quaint little coffee shop which had newspapers and books lining the walls just waiting to be read. The white ceiling was distracted by a mass of macrame plant holders which held a green bounty of thriving plants. I would sit here for a while and read. Read anything. Just to be here outside of the apartment doing everyday things that people did. 

“What can I get you?” A young barista asked. He was wearing a leather apron which made him look like a butcher and his long hair was unkempt and scraped back into a bun. It transported me to Shoreditch and I felt like there was a small piece of home here in New York City.

“I’d like a tea please” I answered with a small smile. 

“What kind?” He asked with a hand directed to the board above him. The menu stretched before me dauntingly and was written hastily in chalk. I had no idea what most of it meant and as he observed me he nodded his head in understanding. “Something special?” He smiled warmly.

“Something special?” I repeated.

“I’ll surprise you. Trust me. Are you new here?” He asked and I nodded my head feeling my cheeks blush ever so slightly.

“Is it that obvious?” I spoke aloud and we both laughed. 

“A little. One of the things you’ll notice most about New York is the variety. Ordering a coffee can be like reciting your biography” 

“I’m not used to so much choice” I admitted.

“Give it a couple of weeks and you’ll be like a regular New Yorker” He assured me as I paid. “I’ll bring it over”

I surveyed the interior and decided to sit at in an oversized arm chair which was worn at the arms with use. At the side of it was a stack of books and I perused them picking up tattered copies that caught my interest. I drank in the covers enjoying the smell of old books. There was something about old books which I found nostalgic and comforting. I thought back to the Rav’s bookcase which he would stand before proudly. Ronit and I would sit back kicking our legs mischievously as Dovid had been caught on his every word. Eventually we had snuck away and Ronit had shared a collection of her own books which she kept under her bed. ‘I like the sad ones’ She told me her eyes lingering on a worn copy of the poison wood bible. Immediately I’d grasped it in my hands and imagined her own hands and eyes on each page. 

“Something special” The barista repeated placing a tea pot and mismatched tea cup beside me. The teapot was translucent and I could see the tea bag was a slowly blossoming flower which lazily bled out into the steaming water. 

“It’s beautiful” I replied with a look of wonder and he bowed his head ever so slightly before leaving me to my tea. 

I don’t know how long I sat at this armchair for but the time passed by steadily. People came and went and I listened to their conversations like a magpie, snatching a fragments of their lives in-between browsing through books and magazines. When I took a sip from my tea and noted that it was stone cold I decided it was time to move on. The barista waved at me as I left and I wondered if this would be a regular stop in my weekly life. Would I learn his name? Would he greet me when I came in the cafe and immediately set to work on my order? Would he ask me questions about my life? If I had children? If I were married? The thoughts rampaged through my mind and I willed them to stop. ‘This is madness’ I told myself as a stilled my footsteps. ‘You do not have to answer to anyone’ I repeated the words in my head like a mantra and as I walked along unfamiliar streets I felt my pulse return to normal.

Ronit

When I returned home Esti was camped out in the kitchen with the smell of home cooked food lingering in the air. All the worries of the day seemed to drain away as I shrugged out of my coat and allowed it to fall lazily to the ground. “Smells good” I greeted her and she glanced over her shoulder with her hands firmly kneading some dough. Her cheeks were slightly red with excursion and a bead of sweat lined her forehead. When she saw me she beamed a smile that undid me completely. I couldn’t help myself. She looked so radiant that I immediately wrapped her in my arms and kissed the tenderness of her neck. 

“Ronit…” She warned. “…you’ll get flour all over your black shirt”

“I don’t care” I insisted my voice muffled by the material of the shirt she was wearing. My shirt. Why was it so attractive to me to see her in my clothing? I thought about the last time she’d worn my green shirt and had stood before me at the end of the day with the buttons undone and my hands stroking at bare skin appreciatively. “You can cover me in flour. I just want to touch you” She chuckled and the sound reverberated through her and into me. Removing her hands from the dough she dusted off the excess flour on a tea towel hanging loosely at the waist and spun round to face me.

“Let me look at you” She urged with a tentative voice but suddenly I didn’t think I could let her see my face without tears springing to my eyes. What on earth is wrong with you Ronit? “Ronit let me see your face”

I shook my head and buried my face into her chest gripping her tightly by the hips. “I don’t want to”

She complied and instead stroked her fingers through my hair. The feel of her fingertips gently grazing my scalp made me come alive with a sense of electricity that made my skin blush in goosebumps. “Have you had a hard day?” She enquired and i was amazed by how much it meant to me. She was so honest, so pure, so genuine in her concern for me and it made me feel safe. Had I ever been able to return home and be comforted like this? 

“I did a lot of thinking” I admitted finally relenting and pulling away to wipe at my eyes with the back of a hand. She held onto my wrist gently and mopped at my tears with the soft brush of her curled fingers. “It was strange to be away from you which is utterly preposterous” I attempted to laugh through the tears but she remained silent and watched me with meltingly warm eyes. 

“You’ve been under a lot of stress” She told me and I snorted to hear her words. I had been under a lot of stress? It seemed absurd coming from her. “You have” She pressed cupping my face in her hands. “It’s so much change and we haven’t had time to get to grips with it all. You’ve been so patient with me…”

“Esti…” I interrupted with a sense of outrage.

“You’ve been holding all this emotion for me. Let me hold you” And she urged me back into her arms and held me to her with a strength which indicated she was not going to give up or allow me to use humour to mask things. She was right. Of course she was right. So much had happened in such a short space of time and I felt completely shell shocked by it all. The only certain thing I knew at this moment was that I would go to bed every night with her in it. I pulled away and looked at her through tear stained eyes. I touched her mouth and she pressed a featherlight kiss to my fingertips.

“It’s hard to let you take care of me” I confided and she nodded her head knowingly. 

“You’ve had to be independent” She suggested and I slipped my arms around her neck holding her just inches away from me so that I could look at the expression on her face. “I’m sorry for assuming you ran away when really you were fleeing”

I digested the words and felt more tears coming I closed my eyes as if in doing so I would stop myself from crying. “I had to leave. To make a life for myself. I couldn’t live with their judgement”

“I know. I understand now” 

“I think I fooled myself into believing I didn’t need anybody but you remind me that I’m wrong”

“You can need me. It’s ok to need me” She whispered and pressed small, chaste, kisses across my face until she felt me smiling back in response. “Heaven knows that I need you”

I remained with her in my arms both of us smiling our own secret smile. “I need you. I want you” I confided resting my forehead against hers before kissing her mouth.

“Good. Now I need you to sit right here” She instructed leading me to the table and chairs which were nestled in the corner of the kitchen. “While I pour you a glass of wine and finish supper”

Willingly I sat down at the table and watched as she moved around the kitchen with ease. She poured a healthy glass of wine and gifted me one last kiss before she returned to her dough.

“You’re spoiling me Esti. I could get used to this”


	13. Chapter 13

Esti 

The smell of the bread baking made my mouth water in anticipation. I peeked into the oven and was pleased to see the bread had risen and was a glorious golden colour. 

"Almost ready" I announced to Ronit who was sat at the kitchen table finally looking relaxed as she drank her second glass of wine. She appeared unburdened after crying and I was glad to see the sadness dim in her eyes. Though I knew it was there always lurking in the background. I could see through the charm and the humour and I knew that underneath she felt great sorrow just like me. 

"Come here" She pleaded with a hand extended. She had a look of intrigue in her eyes and I complied immediately stepping towards her and registering her deep intake of breath. She held my hand in hers fingers entwining with mine and clasping the back of my hand firmly. She pulled me down onto her waiting lap and kissed me hard the hand on mine moving to graze a breast. It was like a shot of lightening and my body responded in appreciation. "You look amazing" She gasped as our mouths parted and she grasped my rear with a gentle squeeze. I knew how much Ronit wanted me because I could see it in her eyes and in the way she grasped me with complete abandon. She wanted every inch of my body and she wasn't afraid to act on her need. 

"Do I?" I asked running arched fingers through her hair to scrape her scalp and snagging a bottom lip teasingly in my mouth. Kissing her took my breath away and I leaned back to stroke the hair at her temples tenderly. 

"Absolutely. Always. Without question" She insisted each word punctuated for emphasis. She allowed her hands to rest against my rear keeping me firmly against her. I could feel the heat between us and reluctantly I prized myself away from her much to her annoyance.

"The bread will burn" I offered squeezing her face so that her pouting mouth formed an exaggerated oh sound. 

"You're killing me here" She complained undoing the buttons of her shirt to reveal the porcelain skin of her chest. She stroked the skin there absentmindedly and used a hand to relieve her flushed face. 

I took the bread out of the oven noting that I had just caught it before it was spoiled. Placing it down with a thud I turned the oven down and returned to her drawn by the sight of her hand gently stroking tenderly soft skin. I wanted to touch her here. I wanted to press my mouth to her throat and taste her skin. 

"You haven't wasted all your hard work?" She mused with her voice noticeably distracted as I eased myself back onto her lap. My legs were straddling her now and I enjoyed the feel of her underneath me solid and real. We had always had a smouldering chemistry. Always flitted between sorrow and desire, doubt and certainty, but being here now without fear of parting only made our connection more intense. All of the feelings I had, had to suppress were now bubbling over forever hovering near the surface. I arched her head back and kissed her hungrily, groaning at the feel of her instinctive response. It was indescribable. Years and years of denial and dreaming of scenarios in my head to make living a lie that much more bearable and now I could touch her in ways I had only dreamed of. I popped open the remaining buttons of her shirt and parted the material to expose a black lace bra. The tips of my fingers traced the outline of delicate lace edges coasting against the swell of her breasts. She was watching me with dark smokey eyes, deepening to molten brown, as I kissed the curve of each breast. She sighed with relief and a hand was at the back of my neck slipping into the hair at the nape to hold me in place. It was easy to slip the material of her bra under her breasts and my mouth immediately found a nipple feeling it swell against the feel of my urgent tongue. 

"Oh Esti" She moaned and her legs moved under me her body straining for more contact. I took her other breast into my mouth one hand grasping the traces of wetness left by my kiss. My fingers were gentle but teasing and they built up to the same rhythm made by my mouth. Ronit’s groans filled the kitchen and the sounds of her pleasure made my pulse thrum. I was fixated by the silken softness of her breasts and I devoted my time to them despite her quiet protestations. The hand on the back of my neck was becoming more insistent now and it directed me downwards with a series of frustrated whimpers passing her lips. I moved to the floor and smiled against her stomach kissing a trail to her navel until I met the barrier of her trousers. I popped open the button and slide the zipper down slipping my hand into the warmth and wetness waiting for me. She sat back against the chair firmly and her hands braced themselves on the chair arms, fingers turning light with the strain. “I can hardly stand it…” She murmured and when I looked up her eyes were closed but her face was dazed with pure pleasure. Gently, moving slowly, and then my fingers were inside of her, filling her and I felt my own desire, my own wetness matching hers at the feel of her. Now she was gasping and moving towards the edge of the chair her entire body curving, crotch pushed forwards and her back pressed tightly to the support it found. She was repeating my name almost incoherently and had started moving to the rhythm of my fingers encouraging them deeper inside of her. “Soon…” She whimpered and her hands moved from the arms of her chair to slip into my hair grasping at clumps of my hair and pulling tip-toeing between pleasure and pain as her grip tightened the closer she came to the edge. The feel of her holding, tightly, onto my hair was a barometer of her pleasure and the harder she pulled the more I felt my desire pushing forward. Then I felt her tighten against my fingers, a last lurch forward and then a gentle throbbing. She remained dazed as I sat below her my own desire threatening to undo me to the point that I could picture myself climbing back on to her lap and writhing against her in a vein attempt to create enough friction to satisfy my own need. She became more coherent and smiled at me lazily, indulgently before smiling and laughing softly. “I needed that” She admitted leaning forward to kiss me gratefully. I remained silent but my hands were on her knees, nails scraping the material of her jeans.

“Watching you…drives me wild. sometimes it feels like you’re already touching me…” Despite myself my cheeks flushed red as if I were retelling a confession. I was still getting used to expressing my desire.

“Esti” She drawled elongating my name so that it was a purr on the tip of her tongue. “I like the sound of driving you wild” Ronit had the most erotic eyes. In a mere look you could read her intentions loud and clear and I felt myself swallow hard as she slipped off of the chair and onto me with a mischievous laugh. 

“Ronit!” I exclaimed as she lowered me against the kitchen floor with the weight of her body.

“Esti?” She countered and then I felt the full weight of her against me as her mouth came to mine with an unabashed hunger. I wanted her to devour me, to kiss me so hard that I’d feel the imprint of her mouth like a bruise and my lips widened in wanting. I wrapped my legs around hers in an attempt to draw her in, shamelessly grinding against any resistance I could find. I was panting into her ear, unravelling by the second, and I realised that Ronit wasn’t the only one who needed this. “I want to taste you” Ronit whispered in my ear and I moaned in response with a pleading nod of my head. Then she was above me, balancing on outstretched hands, hair dangling down. She looked at me longingly and then slid along my body teasing my trousers down to my ankles. Fingers hooked on the waistband of my underwear inching them out of the way. It felt achingly long before she parted my thighs and I felt her mouth between my legs, so long that when she touched me I clasped a hand against my mouth and bit down on the flesh of my fingers. She had such an exquisite mouth, soft but probing, growing in pressure, which I met with the movement of my hips which set there own pace. The hand at my mouth stifled my guttural moans but the need to touch her meant that soon the kitchen was filled with the sounds of my cries and the more pressing noise of her drinking me in. I was getting closer, chasing the end point which hovered, teetering in front of me, just moments away with the promise of release. I was unable to be quiet now, not now the pleasure was mounting, spilling over. I was moving rapidly, writing beneath her body and her mouth, hands grappling, grasping at her hair. Then there was nothing but the thundering, sound rushing in both ears, the feel of plummeting down. I was in free fall, anchored only by the feel of her hands on me, then she was laying beside me on the kitchen floor with a look of white hot heat which pierced the bubble of intensity and brought me back to the hard surface beneath me. I moved onto my side and she was stroking my face so tenderly that I felt as if I could be lulled to sleep. She smiled at me and the golden flecks in her eyes were alive. 

“I’ll never look at this kitchen in the same way” She told me and I laughed heartily reaching a hand out to cradle her face lovingly. 

Ronit

There was a perfect warmth to the kitchen and though I knew it was from the heat of the oven and the stove I suspected it still held the traces of the heat between us. I sat lazily, lounging, against the chair, still feeling that blissful aftermath as she pottered around the kitchen preparing dinner with a hum and a tune. She was whistling a gentle song as she ladled soup into bowls. I loved watching her at ease, making the kitchen her own. I loved having her here. I loved her. Loved her so much that sometimes the thought of it made my chest tight and my throat constrict. Loving felt like such a risk. I had been in fear of it for so long and yet avoiding it had left me completely alone in so many ways. It wasn’t until she came here that I realised just how lonely I had been.

She set two bowls down on the kitchen table and brought the loaf of bread she had baked earlier. I eyed it hungrily realising that I hadn’t eaten all day. It was typical for me. Before Esti I had subsisted on coffee, booze and meals out. If I were lucky my grumbling stomach would remind me in the evening that I needed something to eat. 

“This looks incredible” I praised tearing into the bread as if it were my last meal. 

“Don’t fill up on the bread because I’ve made a lamb stew” She warned me handing me the butter.

“Esti you don’t have to go to all this trouble” I insisted. I guess I was conscious of the fact that I had viewed Esti’s life in London as servitude. I couldn’t help but think of how structured her life had been. What to wear, how to behave, who to love. I knew I was projecting my own feelings of living a constricted upbringing that had left me feeling suffocated. It didn’t mean Esti felt the same way but regardless I did not want her to feel a sense of duty to take care of me. And maybe there was some of that residual fear at being taken care of? Some resistance in letting go of the belief that I needed to be independent because I’d had to be. 

“It’s no trouble” She assured me with a warmth in her expression. She was looking at me with such loving, tenderness, eyes appreciating the sight of me tucking into a steaming bowl of soup. I closed my eyes and sighed at the taste. 

“It’s wonderful!”

“Good. You need a warm meal when you’ve been working all day” She commented dipping soft blooms of bread into her soup.

“I don’t want you to feel like you have to cook for me. You’re not obliged!” I said attempting to mask the truth behind a playful tone. 

She eyed me curiously, mulling over her words before replying “Ronit…I’m not chained to the kitchen. I don’t feel obligated and I’m not trying to be your housewife…even if I enjoy the idea of it…I get pleasure out of taking care of you. Seeing you eat a meal I’ve prepared, ironing a shirt you’re going to wear…” She trailed off seemingly considering her words. “Maybe I am a housewife?” She shrugged her shoulders. “Before it was the way things were. Keeping a good home was part of the fabric of life. It might be hard for you to imagine but I enjoyed this aspect of married life"

I sat back with the empty bowl in front of me and the smell of the stew cooking in the oven. I was overthinking things and making her question who she was in the process. "I'm sorry Esti" I apologised earnestly. "It shouldn't be so complicated. I'm grateful to have you here. I haven't been taken care of in a long time and that makes me feel so happy but also very vulnerable" I confessed dipping my head slightly out of embarrassment. 

"It's going to be complicated. There's so much of the past to deal with nevermind the whirlwind of me arriving in your life suddenly" 

"I'm so afraid of you being unhappy here" I admitted and my voice verged on being a whisper. 

Esti shook her head and smiled in disbelief. "Where does your mind go Ronit Krushka?"

I laughed despite myself. "Everywhere and nowhere at all!"

"Well keep it here...with me" She reached out for my hands and squeezed them reassuringly. "I think about what could go wrong often but you are never something that goes wrong to me. No matter what. After all we've been through and everything we've lost, we are certain" 

"When did you become so wise?" I wondered holding her hand back and blinking back the threat of tears. I didn't want to cry anymore. I wasn't sure I could. 

"I've always been wise darling" She replied, patting my hands with a knowing look on her face. "It's always the quiet ones!" She teased before getting up to finish preparing supper. 

"Quiet you say? Oh you've never been quiet Esti. Not to my knowledge” 

“Cheeky” Esti replied her voice muffled by the oven opening and a rush of steam booming into the room. Her hands were nestled inside oven gloves and she carefully placed the dish onto the stove. My Mother used to cook dishes like this. She’d make a colossal amount of stews and pastries and would watch me tuck into to full plates with a smile on her face. ‘You’re built like a bean pole’ She’d tell me urging me to eat more, convinced my growth would somehow be stunted by how slim I was. 

“i hope you’re hungry” Esti half winced as she produced two heaving plates of lamb stew. Normally memories or associations with my Mother would result in deflection or outright censorship but being here with Esti made me want to do things differently. I couldn’t keep running from the past. 

“My mother used to make me dishes like this” I commented sighing as the fork slid into the meat which was as soft as butter. 

Esti eyed me cautiously. I never had been good at talking about my feelings. “It’s one of my favourites” 

I nodded my head and smiled. “Mine too”

 

An hour later I was collapsed on the sofa groaning and stroking my full stomach, with my head resting in Esti’s lap. She was stroking my hair and had a look split down the middle of amusement and sympathy. “Esti I’m dying” I told her stroking my stomach for added effect. 

“You shouldn’t have gone back for more bread” Esti said with a wry look on her face. She wagged a finger at me and I gripped it in my hands. 

“You shouldn’t have made so much food!” I lamented feeling truly sorry for myself. Why oh why did I wolf down that extra serving of lamb stew? I was certainly regretting it now.

“You cannot expect a Jewish mother to cook modestly” She replied with a trace of humour that vastly evaporated as she seemed to dwell on her own words. She brought a hand to her mouth in surprise and I immediately wanted to stop the hurt in her eyes.

“I’m sorry” I apologised and she shook her head but allowed me to hold her hands in-between my own, which I held against my chest. 

“Don’t be…I just haven’t said that in a while”

“That you’re a Mother or that you’re Jewish?” I asked fighting against an urge to change the subject, make her laugh, anything to change that expression on her face. 

“Both” She decided. 

“You’re still both of this things” I insisted trying to to gauge the response in her eyes. She nodded silently but she was thinking it through. 

"Sometimes it feels like it was all a dream" She said wistfully. I gripped her hands in my own and pressed a kiss to each individual finger smiling against soft skin as I watched her mouth form into a half smile. "But I want to talk about him. Not right now. Not until I'm ready"

"Of course not"

"But I want to talk about him" She repeated and I felt as if she were saying the words to herself. 

"And you will" 

She thought on this for a stretched out moment and I left her to her thoughts keeping my hand in hers but remaining silent. I watched her eyes travel miles away, dipping into memory banks that caused her to sigh, then her eyes narrowed, focused on me, and she was back in the room. She smiled down at me and I watched her expression change from sadness to an indulgent sympathy. “Are you really full?”

“I could burst!” I exclaimed. “I don’t deserve sympathy” I mock protested moving my head to one side and enjoying the smile that finally reached her eyes. “I’ve only myself to blame!"


	14. Chapter 14

Esti

I didn't know who was more nervous Ronit or me. I sat on the edge of our bed and watched her in a state of utter chaos. Haphazardly, shirts were dumped onto the floor with such haste that the material glided through the air like falling silk scarves. A new garment hurriedly replaced the last and she observed her reflection in the floor length mirror with scrutiny. Chewing on her bottom lip, a habit she resorted to when she was nervous, she asked "What do you think?"

"Lovely" I answered and she glanced over her shoulder at me before taking the shirt off seemingly displeased by my answer. 

"This is stupid!" She said to herself. "They've seen me through a host of fashion fails...let me tell you there is photographic evidence of how long it took me to adjust to New York" 

Despite our nerves we both laughed. "I'd like to see that" 

She turned to me in black trousers and a silken green bra and winked. "I'm not so sure about that darling. I wouldn't want to tarnish your image of me” She insisted moving towards me until she was stood in-between my legs. 

“You forget that I remember you when you were frum” I reminded her my mind tracing back to an image of myself. I was dressed drably, my hair, my modesty, hidden by the wig that had become more me than my own natural hair. In many ways it had become a suit of armour and a way to hide away the real me. I didn’t recognise that woman anymore but at the same time I did not know who this new Esti was. I stood out like a sore thumb on the streets of New York. Would I stand out amongst Ronit’s friends? I was certain I would. Gatherings amongst friends had been a daily part of my life since I was a child. That sense of community, the cohesion, being one of many had meant I did not have to worry about being interesting or unique. Quite the opposite. I lived and breathed the community and therefor everything I said rolled off of the tongue in unison with other community members. 

Ronit gripping my face in her hands brought me back to the here and now. “It’ll be OK” She assured me but the curve of her smile held a tell tale tension that betrayed her nerves. “They’ll love you”

“Will they?” I wondered aloud. I couldn’t imagine them. Who were they? My mind could not conjure any images and instead registered blanks so that I was at a dinner party with faceless people. I shuddered at the idea of it.

“How could they not?” She gasped at the very thought of it. 

“I don’t know…” I trailed off and sighed a deep sigh that undid some of the tension in my chest. “…I’m so different from everybody here”

“You’re interesting. It’s not a bad thing”

“I’m halfway between two worlds. Frum and…and this” I admitted motioning to the outfit I was wearing with a swipe of my hands. 

“You’re learning who you are. We’re both learning who we are. Do you expect yourself to be a new fully formed Esti? Impossible darling. It takes time to know what you enjoy. What you want to wear. How you want to smell. Who you want to know. I remember it well” She cooed with a voice that was gentle and reassuring. She gripped my shoulders with both hands and squeezed. 

“The photographic evidence?” I echoed. 

She nodded her head and smiled. “It took me a good few attempts before I felt a sense of belonging” She touched my cheek and I could see the hope in her eyes through the sadness. I could tell her every thought and emotion just by looking into those deep, hazel eyes. They betrayed her every changing mood but I wondered if only I knew the secrets between those full lashes. “Let’s go for a drink. A little dutch courage before we cross the threshold” She suggested as she clasped my hands in hers, fingers entwining, as she pulled me gently towards to the front door. 

 

We had entered the apartment in a flurry of excitement. greeted by eager eyes and hands that conjured musings of the squawking sounds of flocks of birds.The room was a blur to me. Faces pricked at my attention and my eyes became distracted by the act of drinking in different features, the cut of a woman's hair, the strong jawline of a tattooed man, and the endless swirl of colours that became a kaleidoscope of rich beauty. Was this some kind of outer body experience? I wondered, registering only the solidity of the glass in my hands and the firmness of Ronit’s warmth beside me. I was overwhelmed by the energy in the room and though I could hear words uttered in my own tones I could not remember what I had said. When Ronit attempted to slip her hand in mine I recoiled, reprimanding myself harshly in the aftermath. 

“Another drink Esti?” Ronit suggested as she signalled our short journey to a table that was packed tightly with various bottles of booze. To her side stood a couple who were engaged in the act of forcing down a shot of spirit. They slammed the shot glasses back onto the table and winced. 

“Who are they?” I asked, watching as they retreated to the balcony hand in hand. They were both women. But they were not women like Ronit and me. They were not undercover. They were bold in their affection for each other, their eyes firmly locked, hands entwined as they stood on the balcony and kissed. I could not tear my eyes from them.

“Esti?” Ronit said with a smirk on her face. She had caught me looking and despite the nerves that gripped me I smiled, and then laughed, feeling the fear subside as I watched her pouring two healthy sized drinks.

“I was looking” I admitted with a wince accepting the drink proffered. 

“You were looking” She repeated, watching me as I took a large mouthful. I spluttered and coughed. “It’s a bit of a lethal mix” She admitted. “But it’s the best I could do. Did you like what you saw?”

My cheeks coloured and I swallowed another mouthful of the strong, bitter, liquid. “I was surprised” I admitted.

“By how open they are?”

I nodded my head. “I admire them. Envy them I suppose”

“Why?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “To be so free. To love without shame. I want to imagine it for us”

She smiled and I reproached myself for the way she instinctively went to touch me but thinking better of it drew her arm firmly to her side. The hand that should have been touching me, cupping my face or holding my hand, was instead caressing the wooden surface of the table top. “Imagine it” She smiled with conviction. “Until it happens, because it will”

I played the words over and over again in my head like a mantra. ‘Imagine it until it happens, because it will’ Replaying the words until they were nothing more than ‘It will’ ‘It will’ ‘It will’ As I smiled back at her I believed every word she said. Buoyed by her words I finished my drink and turned to the table of beverages. “Let’s see if I can fix us something a little more…agreeable” I instructed, glancing over my shoulder at her mock outrage. She drained the last of her drink and handed me an empty glass. 

“Agreeable?” She quizzed with a raised eyebrow. She was leaning against the table, so close to me that I could feel her warm breathe tickling my neck. “Esti you’ll kill us!” She remarked as I poured liquid from a well worn bottle. “That’s tequila!”

“I’ve never tried tequila before” I quipped. I sliced two segments of lemon watching as they oozed juice onto the surface. “It feels utterly reckless not to clean this table” I admitted. 

Ronit smiled a sultry smile that brought heat directly to her eyes. Standing together we were living out experiences we should have had in our teen years. I imagined Ronit and I as wayward teenagers, huddled together at a house party with more than alcohol on our minds. “Reckless you say?” She practically purred. She did not touch me but as we stood shoulder to shoulder it was as if I could feel her through every item of clothing. I shivered with excitement. “Don’t clean it” She insisted, face slightly masked by her falling tumbles of hair but I could see lips, painted red, grinning. She signalled for me to take the shot in my hands and I obliged. “First lick your hand”

“Lick my hand?” I repeated, entranced by the sight of her tongue dabbing a path at the back of her hand. I mimicked her actions, curious as she shook a layer of salt onto my skin. 

“We lick the salt then we drink the shot…in one go…and then the lemon”

“Is this going to taste disgusting?”

She shook her head. “Reckless remember? We’re being reckless. And we’re going to be incredibly reckless and we’re going to toss the lemon on the side…”

“Surely not?” I gasped, playing along with her game. For added effect I brought a hand to my chest in alarm. “That’s maybe too reckless?”

“The night is young my darling” She quipped, wriggling her eyebrows for good measure. “And there is so much more recklessness to be had”

I couldn’t help but allow an audible groan to escape the confines of my mouth. She was being so seductive that it was impossible to be nervous anymore. “Ronit…” I half warned, half breathed out. 

“For starters?” She asked, raising the shot glass high. 

Our eyes were trained on each other as we licked the salt from the back of our hands and then as quick as lightening the shock of the tequila spilled down my throat, scorching a path to my stomach. Then there was the acidity and the calm of the lemon juice stinging my lips and spilling free to trickle in a line to my chin. I wiped at my chin and spluttered, wincing at the aftermath of the taste. 

“Cigarette?” 

I observed two cigarette nestled casually between two fingers. Suddenly I wanted to feel that cigarette between my lips if only to feel the closeness of her touch. “As we’re being reckless”

She grinned at me. “That’s the spirit”

 

Ronit  
I had gone through an emotional rollercoaster in mere hours. The first emotion? Guilt. A guilt so present and so raw that it bit down at the heart of me masking the party with a hue of misery. She had been like a fish out of water. I had not seen her that overwhelmed since the day we had arrived in New York. I berated myself. I was pushing her too far, expecting too much. When she tensed and recoiled at my touch I kicked myself harder. What was a thinking? 'Think smaller’ I reprimanded myself. Why on earth had I thought it appropriate to bring her to a party? The second emotion? Nerves. Ahh nerves, almost a familiar friend at this point. That unwanted internal monologue that tells you all the things you don’t want to hear or expect. ‘She might hate them’ The internal voice warned. ‘They might say something that unravels everything’ But what would they say? What could they say? My mind conjured a dozen horrifying examples with shot gun precision. They could ask about her marriage, they could ask about Zachary….they could ask about our relationship! I was horrifying myself. I had painstakingly guided my closest friends on acceptable discussion.   
“No talking about her faith” I’d informed them pacing backwards and forwards much to their amusement. 

“And if she brings it up?” 

I turned swiftly on my feet. “She won’t”

“Ok, ok, so no faith, no husband…ex husband? Anything else?” 

“She’s still getting used to the idea of being in a relationship with a woman, at least out in the open anyway”

“This is like conversational red tape!” Samuel interjected. 

“I just want you to go easy on her”

“Ronnie, we’re nice people…most of us anyway…” Dee trailed off as she shot a suspecting look in Samuel’s direction. “…he’s a conversational hand grenade!”

“Excuse me? Dee’s the one to watch. She’ll have her pouring out her emotions after three drinks”

I looked at both of them in horror. “You’re both right!” I exclaimed with a hand held to my gaping mouth.

“Ronnie, Ronnie…” Dee interjected placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “…It’s going to be ok. She obviously means a lot to you”

“She does” I confirmed placing a hand over Dee’s. 

“Fine! Look we’ll be on our best behaviour. We’ll talk about the weather or whatever tight lipped conversation you Brits have”

The third emotion had been excitement. I couldn’t help but feel a rush of desire as Esti’s confidence began to grow and we had stood as thick as thieves with our heads bowed together in our own private conversation. Reckless. Hearing her equate that word to something as ordinary as a messy table at a party made my heart begin to skip a beat. It was beyond anybody else understanding but we played the game, smiling at each other with lust in our eyes. The forth emotion? Unrelenting joy as I watched Esti begin to unfurl, limbs becoming less rigid, that mind slowing to a gradual pace. I could see it in the way she handled things and in the way she looked and smiled at people. What had been a heart-stoppingly tense greeting had become something more more relaxed and ordinary. How much did i dream of the ordinary with her? I wondered, observing Esti as she chatted with Dee and allowed her drink to be refilled by Samuel. They were behaving impeccably well. I couldn’t help but well up at the sight of them.

“Esti wants to do another tequila shot!” Samuel shouted across the throng of the busy room. I glanced at Esti with a searching look. The three of them were about two snifters away from being pissed.

I looked Esti directly in the eye. “Does she?” 

“She does” Esti answered with a nod of her head. “We’re being reckless” 

“Join us sober sister. You can’t play referee all evening!”

I relented, throwing an eye roll in Samuel’s direction. When had I ever been a sober sister? I suppose love had changed me in so many ways. “I’m in”

“Dee, line them up! We’re celebrating our new found friendship with this wonderful human being” Samuel cheered, clasping Esti to him with enthusiasm. If he noticed Esti’s shocked response it did not register on his face. I watched cautiously, practically sighing with relief when I saw the initial shock thaw into a look of familiarity. Catching my concerned gaze Esti smiled reassuringly, keeping eye contact with me as the four of us raised our glasses high.

The party had begun to die down and there were little more than a few stragglers littered around Samuel’s apartment. The conversation had flowed, sometimes sizzled and occasionally roared. My list of non acceptable conversation starters had been disobeyed entirely and I’d observed the flow of conversation on tender hooks. True to fashion Samuel had dropped more than a few clangers. “You were married?” He’d asked keeping his eyes suspiciously free from my direction.

“I still am, technically” 

“Mind blower” He’d remarked and if I had doubted Esti’s ability to hold her own then that doubt was being disintegrated by the second as she expertly manoeuvred the conversation in a different direction. 

Dee had proven to be a creature of habit, gripping Esti’s hand in hers as they shared some intense conversation when I had slipped away to use the bathroom.

“I thought I told you, you were on duty!” I whispered under my breathe into Samuel’s ear as he leaned against a wall deep in conversation with an attractive looking man. “I’m busy!” He exclaimed through gritted teeth before returning to his potential next conquest.

“So brave…” I overheard Dee gush as she held Esti’s hands tightly in her own. “Thank you for sharing that with me”

“Ok?” I’d asked, hovering awkwardly from leg to leg.

“She’s wonderful” Dee beamed and Esti smiled fondly in response. 

“You’re wonderful” Esti insisted as they both shared drunken looks of affection. 

“I’m going to get a drink”

Dee batted me away with a flippant hand. “Get us a beer. Do you like beer? Get us two beers”

“Yes Madame!” I saluted them both but my action remained unwitnessed as they slipped back into meaningful conversation

 

Now we were the last people standing and we sat together on the balcony in one huddled mass. Esti was sat by my side and was evidently more relaxed than I had  felt this entire evening. But as I smoked a cigarette I felt my own body give in to the warm, buzz, of the alcohol  
“The real question is…” Samuel began before draining the remainder of his tumbler of whiskey. He winced slightly, almost as an afterthought, and then lit a cigarette. “….who is in charge?” He asked his gaze methodically moving between Esti and me with a glimmer in his eyes.  
 “I don’t understand” Esti replied and I could hear the slight fuzz in her words from the alcohol.  
 “Come on…whose the top?”  
 “You’re a reprobate Samuel” I shot back and looped an arm lazily around Esti’s shoulders. She was so wonderfully naieve about these things. If only they knew how much she came alive when we were alone.  
 “Don’t tell me you’re not curious?” He asked Dee bumping shoulders with her conspiratorily. “Or have you already got it sussed?"  
 “But what does it mean?” Esti chirped. “This top business, what is it?” In her inhebirated state she was almost demanding to know the truth.   
 “You don’t want to know darling” I suggested and placed a kiss against her temple. When I felt her hand slide reassuringly to my knee I felt like I could have melted at the contact. ‘Play it cool’ I told myself. Esti willingly displaying affection outside of our apartment felt like an enormous reward. It eased the guilt of allowing Samuel to be a bad influence.   
 Samuel and Dee roared with laughter. “Oh I think she does want to know Ronnie. Don’t be such a square. We’re all pals here now aren’t we Esti?”  
   
Esti nodded her head and shared a comfortable smile with Samuel that made me breathe a sigh of relief. All the worrying was beginning to slip away. “He’s right” Esti replied.  
 “Esti I do believe we’re going to be firm friends” Samuel said leaning forward to grasp her hand. In my arms I felt Esti tense and then relax into the touch. Before the party it hadn’t dawned on me that she’d spent so many years of her life following a strict moral code that was being tested with every new encounter she had outside of the community.   
 “So what does it mean?” She asked reaching forward for an empty glass that was filled in seconds. I resisted the urge to tell her to slow down.   
“Who wears the pants in the bedroom?”  
 Esti’s face was immediately framed with a look of utter confusion. “Neither of us wear pants in the bedroom” She replied honestly.  
 “Ok let’s be literal. Whose in charge? Who takes the lead sexually?” The word sexually seemed to spark the room with energy like the sizzle of oil in a hot pan. Esti looked at me for guidance.  
 “Samuel you are such a pig” Dee interjected.  
 “I think we take turns” Esti replied with an honesty that momentarily silenced the room. Despite myself I felt my cheeks flush slightly at her confession and there was a pause before the room once again erupted with laughter.   
 “That’s so…” Samuel struggled to find a word. “…lesbian of you both. Sharing is caring” He added with a wink and clinked his glasses against ours in cheers.   
 “Now how about we dissect your sex life Sam?” Dee posed the question but I knew she would regret it instantly as Samuel began to delve into his latest exploits with a makeup artist.  
 “He was beautiful” He hummed and his eyes glazed over with the memory of him. “Body to die for!”  
   
 By the time we left Samuel's apartment the sun had begun to rise. I gripped Esti to me feeling the unsteadiness in her movements. She rested her head against my shoulder and I whispered into her ear “Don’t fall asleep. We’re almost home”  
 As we reached the front of the apartment complex she stilled me with both hands on my face. Her eyes were glassy from the alcohol and she smiled an indulgent lazy smile. I wondered if she’d feel this in the morning…or in the afternoon! Her fingertips deftly explored the planes of my jaw working down to my neck and then my collar bone with intent.   
 “Did you have a good time?” I asked, my voice impacted by the tender stroke of her hands on my exposed chest.   
 “I did” She confirmed, hand still stroking with a feather light softness that forced my eyes to close and my mouth to part slightly. Before I could open my eyes she was kissing me and the surprise mixed with the instantaneous flood of desire was a heady mix. I gripped her tightly in my arms and we stood kissing both of us swaying like two drunken leaves trapped in a gust of wind. The fact that she was kissing me freely, with total abandon, never left my mind. So many kisses shared in darkness, hiding from the eyes of others, had always felt dangerous. To think of what we had risked to kiss each other. Such a simple, honest, act of wanting and yet at times we had been crucified because of it. I kissed her deeply with the thoughts swimming around in my head pooling emotion into my urgency.  
“Let’s go to bed” I rasped, allowing myself to indulge in one last kiss.  
“That’s the most reckless thing you’ve said all night"


End file.
